4 Months?!?!?

Wow. I have been neglecting this blog badly...

This summer has been insanely busy for us. We have not had a weekend free all summer. All in all, it has been good. We have been to the fair (3 times, 3 different ones), the zoo, painting pottery, baseball games, swimming, the beach, on vacation, drove racecars and bumper cars, fireworks, bonfires, C's birthday (I rented him a bounce house which was a HIT). We moved, got C enrolled in school, school shots. We have been to movies and video arcades. I am sure I am just hitting the tip of the iceberg.

Visitation WAS going well. I just found out the B will be getting evicted from another place. I also found out the electricity was shut off during the kids' last visit. B has ceased paying child support, for the last 3 months. The strain on our finances in unbearable right now.

In times like this, I do really want to give up. I am tired. I have been on this ride since the minute C was born. It become doubly bad when M came along. I have been a single parent of 2 kids for 3 years now. I have been fighting with B for 3 years. I have been struggling to make it all work for 3 years. I have packed up, moved and unpacked an entire house 2 times (with help). I have handled all the doctor appointments, dentist appointments, haircuts, shopping trips, temper tantrums, sleepless night. I have taken care of 2 kids while sick with strep (3 different times), the flu, bronchitis and countless colds and sinus infections. I am just tired.

Things seem to move along well for a bit and BAM!...we are back to square one. 99% of the time, it is because I cannot rely on the person that should be helping us. I cannot rely on the man that fathered these kids because his life is a disaster. It is scary and overwhelming and sad that I will always have to do this alone. That he will never be a better person. That he will always impact our life, mostly in a negative way.

I have no problem admitting my weakness right now. I wish there was someone here that would bear some of this responsibility with me. I am struggling to keep the holding the weight. I am struggling to keep utilities on, to pay rent and daycare. C does not have his school supplies. He has no jeans, no shoes. I struggle to keep food on the table. To maintain my patience with the kids. My car is about to break which will leave us with no transportation, no way for me to get to work. My checks are gone before I get them and I am in the hole almost $400 every month. I cannot pay what we have, much less extras. The kids feel the stress and tension and act out. I get angry and annoyed and yell and it makes it worse. We are stuck in a never-ending cycle right now and we need a break.

I am angry because my kids DO NOT deserve this. They deserve to be kids and have fun and enjoy life. I deserve to enjoy life with them and not worry about all these problems that shouldn't be problems anymore. We just deserve better. We have paid enough already. I am doing all I can to make things better, but can't we just get a little help?