My lack of blogging is due to laziness. I am still reading blogs and still trying to comment, if I can manage to clear the clouds from my head and formulate a coherent thought.
I have so much on my mind lately. I am still trying to make sense of my place in life and how the hell I got here. The never-ending thoughts racing through my head seem to sap any creative energies I have. So, unfortunately, this is what has suffered because of it...my blog, my outlet, my therapy. Which, in hindsight, is probably the first place I should have vented.
I have way too many to blog about at one time but here is what is at the top of my list right now...
I was 11, almost 12, when my youngest sister was born. I was at the age where I loved babysitting and I loved little kids. When my dad and stepmom brought her home from the hospital, I fell in love instantly. She was like my own little baby. I took care of her after school and took care of her if I had any other spare time. My stepmom starting drinking after my baby sister was born and my dad worked nights. So dad would leave for work and no one would be home to take care of the baby so we did it. For 2 whole summers, I did not go anywhere. I didn't stay at a friends house, I didn't take other babysitting jobs...nothing. For 2 summers, I stayed home and took care of my baby sister.
I will never complain about taking care of her. She was a sweet little girl and at almost 19 years old, is still a sweet girl. She was an honor student in high school, she had near perfect attendance (she missed 1 day in 4 years), she belonged to the French Honor Society and she was Accepted with Distinction to her university. She is getting ready to start her 2nd year of college in about a month and I know she will do as great this year as she did last year (although suffering from illness the majority of her freshman year, she still had a 3.0 gpa). I taught her to potty train, I taught her about tampons and b.o. and showering regularly. Even after moving away from home, I would drive 3 hours round trip so my baby sister could spend the weekend with me (even though she got car sick and puked in my car almost every time). I take as much pride in her accomplishments as my parents do.
Here is my point to all this. While taking care of my baby sister, I thought to myself on a regular basis "I can't wait to be a mom". I knew I wanted to be a mom, I knew I wanted to do it all over again. I took good care of my sister, I spent tons of time with her, I put her to bed and dressed her and changed her.
Fast forward almost 15 years and I finally become a mom. All those hopes and dreams I had for myself and all those expectations that it would be just like having my baby sister came crashing down around me. Somehow, in those 15 years, I became jaded. I experienced so much in those 15 years that it didn't feel the same. I never felt that I could give my kids the time and attention that I gave my baby sister. I never had the stress of jobs and bills and drama while I was taking care of my baby sister.
In those 15 years, somehow I was broken. I broke from the inside out. It was broken hearts, promises that were not kept, disappointments that my heart never healed from. It was lost friends and life changes. It was everyone growing up and going away. It was losing touch with those that you never thought would leave. It was struggling to find a place and struggling with the knowledge that I couldn't find it. It was escaping from a man who damaged me physically and emotionally and those that continue to damage me now. It was taking criticism from those that had no business criticizing, accepting opinions from those that didn't have the right to express them, hearing disappointment dripping from the voices of those who had no right to be disappointed in me and to feel unloved by those were supposed to love me unconditionally.
I don't feel defeated, just broken. I don't feel depressed, just sad. I feel like I had no right to have kids, because 15 years later, I finally realized I can never give my kids what I gave my baby sister. I gave her the best of what I had and now my kids are accepting the consolation prize...a woman who has experienced too much in the last 15 years. A woman that lost so much during that time that she cannot find a way to get it back.
Ms. Single Mama, does this qualify as baggage?? :)
I will enthrall you with more wallowing another today but for now, back to work!
Stay tuned...
My Little Man
My Little Girl
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3 comments:
Yes...I think so, but I'm no baggage expert.
But that was 15 years ago - you too were a kid right? What a teenager? Go easier on yourself. And she was your little sister, these are your kids.
I too had a little brother we all helped to raise so I hear you. I would just say ... accept who you've become and move on from the past.
Easier said than done I know ... but just the fact that you're giving so much thought and consideration to your motherhood, your single motherhood tells me that you must be a fantastic mother. Back then ... when you were watching your little sister did it ever occur to you that you were single? No. Right?
Food for thought and I'm rambling. Very sick today so I'm not even making sense to myself.
R,
Don't forget to give yourself credit for the fact that J is who is she largely due to the vast influence *YOU* had on her...*YOU* helped mold her into the amazing young woman that she is today.
I have no doubts that C and M will recieve the same molding and guidance that J did, even if you are feeling jaded and stretched too thin. You may be different in that you have more life experience, and even if you feel that that makes you jaded, at your core you still hold the same values and principals and personal attributes that helped J grow into herself.
I think that maybe it feels so much more daunting because these are YOUR CHILDREN, not your SISTER, and as much as it didn't seem like the back up plan (your parents) were very available back then, ultimately they were there, where as now, you ARE the ONLY plan.
R, I have known you forever (well, as close to forever as a person can get; I do not remember a time in my life that you were not my friend) and I have no doubt that C and M will be fine, and will flourish in your light and love.
Edited to add (because I had the whole thing typed once and then somehow closed the window b4 posting it, and forgot this when I retyped it, LOL)
That you leave no room for C & M to doubt how much you love them, that you love them more than anything in the world, or that they are more important than anything in the world...
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