*sigh*

It has been a bad day. It has been a bad weekend. So far, this blog has become nothing but me bitching and moaning about my life. It really is not that bad. I am not Ms. Doom-n-Gloom. I don't always focus on the negative. It is just so hard right now.

My weekend was spent arguing with B. He says I am wrong for not "solving" the problem with C. When B called on Thursday, C told him that he did not like M. B yelled at him, told him that he was mena and that he didn't want to hear him say that ever again. C got upset, started crying and did not want to talk to B anymore. I got on the phone and B proceeded to call me a bunch of names and blame the whole thing on me. The actual truth, which came out later, was that M yelled at C when he was there last and told him he was naughty. So that was a mess.

B calls Friday morning to talk to the kids but they are already dropped off. Daycare is closed and my sis was watching them, a further drive for me so I had to drop them off earlier to get to work on time. He was all angry and hung up on me. Whatever.

I bring C and M to the park on Saturday and leave my phone in the car. When we got back to the car, there were 2 missed phone calls from B. C said he still did not want to talk to I did not call back. About an hour later, he calls again. I tell him that C does not want to talk right now and I will talk to him and see if he will call later that night. B freaks out, starts calling me names, telling me that I brought all this on myself and I better fix it or he will file contempt charges with the court for not being able to talk to HIS son. I hang up on him and he calls back. I let it go to voicemail. He said I am a c&*t and I have no right to do this, blah, blah, blah. I just leave it alone. He calls back and tells me that I "better not even think about" filing child support papers (I want a review because I know B lied about how much money he was making) or he will file for custody of the kids and I will never see them again. He will take them to another state to keep them away from me.

I found out that B did not feed the kids the last time they were there (but according to B, he gave them snacks so what's the big deal), a 7 hour visit.

This whole thing is just a disaster. I always feel like I am strong or getting stronger but then something like this happens and I am right back to where I was before....what can I do to make him happy, how do I shield me and the kids? What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!

Where did my backbone go? I never took shit from anybody before. Why am I now? Why do I let him affect me like this?

I was not a good mom this weekend. I had no patience with the kids and frankly, just did not even want to be around them. I snapped at them and I was short with them. Why I thought I could just act like a bitch all weekend is beyond me. C was upset this morning and started crying for no reason, then he just started SOBBING. I asked him what was wrong and he said "You don't like me anymore and you always yell at me". Great. I feel like shit, I feel like a horrible mother, I feel like I used my babies as a doormat. I am obviously not handling this well and really need to get some help focusing and figuring this out.

I talked with an attorney and she basically said I have to take it. She said as long as I can defend my actions in court, I should not worry. I don't know if I should believe that or if I am just getting the run-around. Right now, affording an attorney is impossible. But I want one so that person can act as a buffer between B and myself. When he is angry, he can call and yell at my attorney. I do not want to deal with it!

I just don't know what to do....