Off To A Good Start

I realized that we are already over 30 days into 2009 and I have not posted one thing. I think I just needed a break from the constant re-hashing of bad news. I have high hopes for 2009 and did not want to start it off in a negative light.

Personally, I am doing well. Work is very busy and I have been running like crazy. I am feeling good physically (with the exception of the few holiday season lbs I put on) and I am feeling good mentally. I am happy and proud of myself. I made a decision to not take medication for any of the symptoms I was having...no anti-depressants and no sleeping aids. I am so glad that I stuck with my decision. I have had my fair share of meds and new meds and higher doses and side effects. The last time, I felt that they were helpful but that they were pushing my feelings, thoughts and fears deeper inside, to a place where they would eventually come out again. They definitely came out again.

I am still with V. We just passed 3 months. I have not made the kids a part of this yet. I think both kids kind of know that mommy sees him and talks to him but we are all ok with a safe distance. C talks about him more than M but I figured that would happen. C has more need for a male role model. C colors pictures, draws and find little prizes that he wants to give to V and I gladly pass them along and V accepts them.

M is the same, old crazy girl. She was my little shadow before but she REALLY is now. She needs mommy and wants mommy all the time. We have been reading lots of books and watching movies together.

C is still struggling a bit. He is back to therapy every other week. We took a break over the holidays due to scheduling conflicts and just to give him a little breathing room. He has been having some trouble with using the potty and making it there. His therapist is watching him closely as I have some concerns about his behavior. B suffers from severe, chronic depression and obviously I do too. C is showing some classic symptoms of depression and I want to be sure that he is getting all the help and support he needs.

Visitation is moving along. B is still being difficult but it is to be expected. He did the supervised and we are moving onto public visits. He has stopped calling so often and trying to force the kids to talk so they are getting a much needed break from that. He still tries to cause problems but it really has no effect on my anymore. He needs to justify his actions to the kids and to the court, not to me. I will always be there to pick up the pieces when he hurts or upsets the kids but "why" he did it or does it is his burden to bear. C told his dad that he was a jerk (which I do not condone and we had a talk about the right way to express feelings), that he knows he lives with other kids that he sees all the time, that dad keeps promising that he will be back but never comes back and that dad is a liar and he does not want B to be his dad anymore. Fortunately, this time, B was there and C told him directly. He cannot accuse me any longer of coaching the kids or making stuff up.

C therapy session yesterday was really good. I participated in most of it. B had called C's therapist and left a message for her before I got there. He told her that he had "concerns about things I was telling the kids". It was basically C's unwillingness to talk to Crazy and Crazy Jr. B says I told C that he couldn't talk but in reality, C has taken a protective stance with regard to me. He thinks I will be sad because I have no one to talk to (partner or someone living with me) so he is not going to talk to anyone either. He doesn't want to go to dad's because he does not want me to be alone. We spent time yesterday talking to C about me being a grown up and being able to take care of myself. We talked about how it works...parents take care of the kids, the kids do not take care of the parents. I told him that he can see and love whoever he wants to because he has enough love for everyone. His therapist asked if he felt better about going to his dad's....C said "no", he cannot go and leave his momma. Sweet and sad at the same time. But, his therapist will report back to B and let him know that I told C all the right things but C is still hesitant.

Tax time is here so I am excited about that. It is probably the one and only time of the year that I actually have disposable income. C and M both decided that they wanted new bedding for their beds. I will be getting them with taxes.

Weekends have been busy as that is MY time to spend with the kids. I give them up for a few hours to B, but otherwise we are together. We have done all kinds of stuff...lunch, dinner, hair cuts, shopping, visiting family and friends, checking out all the fun places that we have only talked about going to. It has been good for all of us.

Our dog is as crazy as ever. He is quite the hunter and brings home "presents" for me almost every day. I cannot get him to understand that I do not want them (squirrels, rabbits, birds, moles, mice and a possum). He is HUGE now and still clumsy...not a good mix when he comes running at you.

That is pretty much the gist of 2009. So far, so good...