Help....

Life has suddenly taken this great huge turn...mostly for the better, mine and the kids. The time the kids are spending away from me is creating a positive environment at home. They are happy to come home and I am happy to have them home. We do not snipe and snark at one another. I guess you could say that we finally found some peace.

The situation with B is the same. I will talk to him and discuss the kids but I will not be sucked into his demented world. We had a couple run-ins the last couple weeks but I felt fine after. I said my peace, explained myself rationally and clearly and when he got irate, I walked away. I think he may finally be getting it (on a side note, I found all the emails I have been receiving that were apparently from him were not at all from him...I kind of knew this already but he is a little po'd at Crazy for taking all this upon herself).

I have had some fun times the last couple weeks with friends, old and new.

I am spending more time with my family which makes me happy. I miss my family. I miss seeing them and being with them. I am so thankful and happy that they are so important to the kids.

Driving home today, from a busy, busy 2 days, I was overcome with panic. That is the best way that I can describe it. It was a harsh reminder of where I was before. I am still not able to shake it. I just didn't want to be alone...

I feel a little lost. I have always tried to make all my decisions for the best interests of the kids. My job, where we live, who watches them. I sacrifice the things I want and need to give them what they want and need.

Way back in the fall, in the midst of the giant upheaval in our lives, I considered moving. I didn't feel like this was where I should be. I am feeling this again. I have people I work with that I would consider friends, old coworkers I still have lunch with. I have people that know me, that say hi to me when they see me. But I have no FRIENDS here. I have no one to go and do things with because we do not share common interests. There is one thing that is popular in this town and it involves the 3 bars that are here. I am no saint and enjoy a night out or a beer after work. But I cannot have my life revolve around it.

I feel like this house is good for us but it is expensive. What more could we have (free time, fun activities), if all my money was not getting sunk into this place? In addition, the landlords want to sell this place by the end of the year. They would give me sweet deal to buy it but the entire credit market is frozen right now. Will it free up at the end of the year? I would like to say so but cannot be sure. I am also not sure that this is the place that I want anymore. If I buy it, I a tied down here. Once C starts school, I do not want to move him.

I could really use a PT job. I could use the extra cash. I could save it for a better life for us. But I do not have that option right now.

I was so confused about everything that transpired with V. Slowly dating again was a good step for us. I think the combination of the stuff with B and then everything with V was just too much to take at one time. Now, here we are 4 months down the road, and I think we are making a mistake. I thought, or maybe assumed, that if we dated again it would be because we were both puting effort into it. But things are still the same and he is still the same guy. We are 2 people that genuinely get along and have fun together but we are moving in 2 completely opposite directions. I need someone that supports me and my life, not avoids it. I feel like having a clean break and being out of this teemy, tiny town will let us heal and move on that much faster.

I used the majority of my tax money to catch up on bills. I used a little to pay off some debt. Now, I am back to where I started from. I do not want to stress every day about where the money is coming from or what has to be paid next.

With all that being said, I am not sure what to do about it. I have no idea where to go. I could rent a place with less space and about the same money. I would still pay utilities, just not as much. I would still have to buy groceries. I would be paying extra for my commute to work. I would be commuting a longer distance is an unreliable car. I just cannot make the numbers work.

Am I wanting to do this for the right reasons? I need to "belong" somewhere and this is not it. I am not happy here in this place. I do not feel that when the day is done, I am coming "home".

I am trying to determine if moving is a decision that would be in the kids' best interests or if it is unfair to move them to another place.

I know there are some over-analyzers that read this (you know who you are)...walk me through this. I do not have a hubby or SO to bounce idea off of. I do not have anyone to shoulder this decision with me. So I am asking you to help. Tell me if I am being crazy, tell me your thoughts, your ideas.