I don't even know what to call this...

Today has been one of those melancholy days. I have been thinking a lot about the past, about how I got here. I remember when my babies were so little and how much I enjoyed being with them, seeing all their firsts, all their smiles and laughter.

Look at how innocent and sweet he looks. He didn't have a care in the world at this age. He was happy and always smiling. His smiles are few and far between these days. That somehow at the age of 4, he has so much on his little mind that he just cannot bring himself to smile.

And my baby girl. She seems to be doing better than her brother. As girls typically do, she only cares about what is going on with her. And if she feels like we have not given enough care or concern to whatever minuscule thing is bothering her, she will let us know!

I feel like my smiles are few and far between these days too and somehow I am making it worse for my kids. That they do not see me smile so they cannot bring themselves to smile either. I don't really know how I got to this point. Somewhere along the way, I lost my motivation and my drive to succeed. To do better and be better. I just feel tired and old. I feel like I should have enjoyed those early days with mi kids so much more than I did. I wish I had those days back. When they needed me. When they smiled just because I was there. Now I am the "bad guy". I have to do all the disciplining, I am the only one who has to say no to them. And some days, they drive me to the brink of insanity...to the point where I can hardly stand to be near them. And I think they feel that. I don't know how to change it or change myself. I am so consumed by everything else that is going on in life that I feel out of touch with my own kids. I feel like I am not bonding with them. I feel like my concern with everything else, the need to make things perfect, to be self sufficient, to not ask for help has damaged the relationship I had with them.

One of my biggest obstacles and most time consuming task is the cleaning. It takes me almost 3 hours (no including laundry) to clean my house from top to bottom. I need to do this once/week. I cannot stand to live in a dirty house. In addition to those 3 hours, I have the normally daily stuff...dishes, weekly laundry, sweeping the floor. It feels like it is consuming all my time! I still have boxes that have not been unpacked from my move in October. I know that now is not a good time, but I am thinking about hiring someone to come in once a week (after I go back to work) and do the major cleaning. I know someone that will do it at a pretty affordable price. It would eliminate the need to always keep it so clean. I need to clean all the time because the more I let it go, the more time it will take me to do the major cleaning.

I also had this good idea (thanks to one of the sellers on eBay) to sell the kids' old clothes, etc on eBay. I have a ton of stuff to get rid of (crib sets, toddler bedding, crib, changing table, jumper, bouncy seat, all their clothes from newborn-now, stacks of CD's that I only bought to download to iTunes for my iPod). I thought it would be a good way to earn some extra cash, maybe have some fun money for me and the kids. We could plan a vacation this summer and get some time away from home. Well, the idea sounded great and still does but as soon as I sat down to figure it out, it became so overwhelming. My brain cannot even fathom where to start or how to organize 15 boxes of kids clothes. I need some serious help on the organizing side of it. So I don't know where my eBay idea will go. If I do it, I will feel rushed, overwhelmed and guilty because I am taking time from my kids. If I don't do it, I will feel like a failure for not even attempting it or giving up so quickly. As the saying goes...

You are your own worst enemy

I think I have proven that time and time again...