Rule to Always Live By Regarding Visitation

Since I am a single mother and always to try to make the best decisions for my kids, I thought this was good information. I also have a child that has had a severely negative reaction to our separation and I am always looking for ways to help him through this rough time.

1. Remember, your child is made up of both of you. If you can't say anything nice about the pother parent around your child, don't say it at all. When your child hears you criticizing their other parent, they feel like you are criticizing them.
2. Encourage as much contact with the other parent as possible. Do everything possible to promote this.
3. Your ex will not hurt or wound your child like he hurt you. Do not assume he will.
4. Always ask how the two of you can work together for your child's best interest, not yours. You will always have to continue to co-parent your child at some level.
5. Don't send messages through your child to the other parent.
6. Put your emotional issues regarding the other parent aside. Stop trying to get even.
7. Don't make false accusations against the other parent.
8. Always reassure the child that both parents love him/her.
9. Don't make false promise and build false hope with the child.
10. Don't encourage your child to take sides.
11. Don't say "the reason we separated or divorced was because we didn't love each other". The child will figure "if they can stop loving each other, they can stop loving me".
12. Get professional help for your child if it is evident that they are having a lot of problems coping with the situation.
13. Don't make your child into your adult peer over this. Don't expect them to handle your adult problems and needs or act and understand the situation like an adult.
14. Don't cover for the other parent. Children need straight, honest answers free of blaming statements.
15. Do not exchange angry words, obscenities, etc with child's other parent when delivering child for a visit.
16. Pay child support. A child takes non-payment as a direct message that parent doesn't love them.
17. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS ask, "What does my child need?", NOT "What do I need?" or "What don't I want my ex-partner to have?"

Remember...

If you remain stuck in your anger towards your ex, vengeance will become your goal indefinitely and your child will suffer.

The more time you spend trying to document and prove the other parent is the worst parent in the world, the more negative will be the impact on your child.

You can destroy your child int he process of how you handle your visitation and custody disputes.

Your child will not lose attachment to you based on having one less visit time. A true bond with your child will last through space and time.

Don't send the child to the other parent when child is bad. It only teaches a child that he/she doesn't have to work out a solution to the conflict, just move some place else and get away from it. A child always needs the sense that the parent they are with is in charge and the authority. Learn to work out conflicts with your child.

Don't hesitate to say to your child over and over again, "It's not your fault". Children hold onto the thought that somehow the breakup was their fault.

I know most of these seem like pretty common sense things but unfortunately, not everyone is gifted with common sense. I chose to be a single mother. When B left, he would have taken the kids with him and I could have lived my life like he does. But I knew and still know that the kids would have a better childhood growing up with me as their custodial parent. So essentially, I made the choice. And by making that choice, I also chose everything that went with it (court, visitation battles, non-payment of child support, emotional issues regarding the kids, being their only authority figure). So now that I am dealing with all of it, why should I blame it on their dad?? I knew what I was getting in to. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it go away but I did know...