Decisions, Decisions

I will warn you right up front that there is not going to be anything good about this post. As a matter of fact, you might just hate me a little by the time it's done.

I have been trying to make some hard decisions for the past couple weeks. They all revolve around the same things...the kids, money, moving, me. They revolve around the same problems and issues that have taken our old life hostage.

I had a series of bad days. I left work early on Wednesday because I was sick. I had plans to go out and meet friends that night and decided to still go. I was tired, not feeling good and wanted out of there. I left (but not without getting the evil eye and the snide comment about leaving early) and did what I wanted.

Thursday morning I had 2 girls on my couch crying about the injustices in their world. I listened, I talked to them, I supported them. I went to Thanksgiving dinner. I saw my family. I sat there wondering where I even belong.

I took care of a child that wasn't mine (a favor that will never be returned) so the drinking and the games were not disturbed. I listened to all the small comments under everyone's breath.

I stayed home on Friday, all of us recuperating from sickness and a long Turkey Day. I was trying to find my focus and the importance of my decisions.

I stayed home on Saturday, still not feeling well. The days and weeks and months and years caught up with me.

The insensitive people in my family. The ignorant, stupid ones whose own lives are in shambles but still open their mouth to speak about my life. The ones that give advice without a moment's hesitation and walk around like their shit don't stink and couldn't use an freakin intervention. The ones who ignore their kids, their family, the real world to keep their world intact. The ones that say "I give a shit" like the words automatically fix everything and they never have to follow through. Like just saying the fucking words makes a bit of difference. The ones you try to talk to who completely ignore everything you are saying because they are too busy thinking about the next stupid thing to pop out of their mouth. The ones who say that I never listen because the only time they give a damn is when there is a crisis. and I am fed up with "listening" to everyone else. The ones that stand there and say that the only reason any of this is happening is so I can get some attention. The ones that are so obviously toxic, that are so transparent that everyone else sees through them but will never admit fault. The ones that are always right, always have the answer. The ones that only offer help when there is a crisis and then get pissed at me because I won't take them up on it. The ones that have an affect on my life every single day but cannot fathom why I am not getting better. The ones that never shed a tear because their hearts are cold. The ones that so fucking selfish that they cannot even see that they are selfish. How someone can so fully talk themselves into believing that they really are good and giving and unselfish when it is so plainly obvious not true is completely beyond me.

I say "I'm fine" a lot. I do it for more than one reason...so I don't expect anything from the people that are not going to help, it's easier than explaining, it's easier that having the same conversation over and over. I assumed I was getting pretty good at it.

On Saturday, I finally had enough. I alternated between crying, yelling at my kids and getting more "see you in court" email from their dad. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this was too much to bear. I was making decision...save the kids and in turn, save myself or go into the bathroom with the kitchen knife. I chose to save the kids. I chose their dad. I chose to have them leave my house and go live with their dad.

Is their dad the best choice? Who knows. But for all his many faults, I knew at that exact moment that he was a better parent than me. No one will understand where this came from or understand why I had to make it. Dealing with my own bullshit and everyone else's, drowning in bills and debt, wondering how we are going to get food on our table, how the house will stay heated, how to continue going to court and fighting for those kids knowing damn well that I am causing them just as much harm. Waiting for the phone to ring, to have anyone call just to talk, to hear about my day, to REALLY want to know how I am doing, how the kids are doing. To be manipulated on a daily basis. To hug my kids and really mean it. Wanting to spend time with them rather than wanting them to go to sleep. Playing some game that doesn't revolve around the couch because I don't want to get up. Having a day where I don't lose my temper with them. Where they don't have to question love, from me and all the other selfish people around them.

Those kids are being punished every single day for the choices I made, for the choices you made, for my selfishness and YOUR selfishness. I can stand up and be accountable for the things I have said and done to my kids. I can own up to my mistakes, my failures, my shortcomings. But I will not take this fall on my own.

You all knew I was struggling. You knew I was not fine. You admitted it. But you still gave up. You still stopped trying. But then criticised me for doing the same thing.

I am not the better parent right now. I did not make this decision in one day or even one week. I weighed the pros and cons. It came down to this...the kids cannot count on me, I cannot count on me and I cannot count on you to catch me when I fall. I cannot keep falling and taking those kids with me. I cannot keep making them pay for something they did not do. I cannot put them through it day after day because you don't agree with my decision.

Those kids deserve better than that and I cannot give it to them. And based on the lack of support I have received in the past couple months, you cannot give it to them either.

So, I promised my sister I would give it a month. I will give it that.

**D, I promise I will start my gratitude journal but I had to do this one first**