Do You Want Me To Stop?

Then say "Uncle"...

I learned a long time ago that I cannot be who everyone else wants me to be. I learned that a lifetime of baggage and mistakes and bad decisions will not be solved or cured through medicating or therapy. I know exactly what you are looking for and I am giving it to you. Maybe it is lie but it is easier this way.

The world of pretend is a much easier place to reside. It relieves the fear, the expectations, the knot in my stomach. Am I ok? Depends on the day. But on the outside, I will always be ok. I cannot explain anymore, I cannot put into words what is going to make the difference. I just do not have the answers. Meds are the answer for some, not for others. Therapy is the answer for some, not for others. I am not convinced that it is my answer now. I am not one to frown on any help that someone asks for. I have never frowned on therapy. I do not think it is a sign of weakness but of courage. I have done it.

Right now, my days are filled with fake smiles and mundane conversations..

I appreciate the comments and the concerns. I appreciate that therapy is a viable option in your eyes.

I have resigned myself to the fact that this is how it is going to be right now. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am a mom and that is all I will be right now. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is how I have been (whether anyone saw it on the outside) for 30 years...or as long as I can remember.

I do not let people get close. When someone knows me too well (with exceptions), I find new friends. I change my circle at a moments notice. I feel I am "protecting" these people from the real me. I cut all ties before too much of me comes out. I cannot be in a relationship for this reason. I will not have any other close friends (besides the ones I have now).

I give up. This is just me. Its not pretty but it is what it is.

Life won...I surrender..."Uncle"