Codependency

I am going to come back to this in a little bit but I am still forming some thoughts about this. I am in a state of "fixing" right now. I am slowly tumbling backwards and have been unable to figure out why. I would imagine it is a combination of things: my job, the nature of my work, money, bills, child support, court, visitation, health issues, uncertainty re:the future.

I have concerns about the "why" and "how" of where I am now. I do not like to self-diagnose or create problems for myself but this seems to fit eerily well.

A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "codependent" party exhibits behavior which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship. Codependence can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family member's chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.

Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.
Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. A codependent parent might resist his or her child's steps toward independence; whether early or late in life. Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires. This invariably means that codependents set themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Codependents always feel that they are acting in another person's best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.


The Spann-Fischer Codependency Scale

Read the following statements and place the number in the spaces provided that best describes you according to the following list: 1 Strongly Disagree; 2 Moderately Disagree; 3 Slightly Disagree; 4 Slightly Agree; 5 Moderately Agree; 6 Strongly Agree.

1. It is hard for me to make decisions.

2. It is hard for me to say "no."

3. It is hard for me to accept compliments graciously.

4. Sometimes I almost feel bored or empty if I don't have problems to focus on.

5. I usually do not do things for other people that they are capable of doing for themselves.

6. When I do something nice for myself I usually feel guilty.

7. I do not worry very much.

8. I tell myself that things will get better when the people in my life change what they are doing.

9. I seem to have relationships where I am always there for them but they are rarely there for me.

10. Sometimes I get focused on one person to the extent of neglecting other relationships and responsibilities.

11. I seem to get into relationships that are painful for me.

12. I don't usually let others see the "real" me.

13. When someone upsets me I will hold it in for a long time, but once in a while I explode.

14. I will usually go to any lengths to avoid open conflict.

15. I often have a sense of dread or impending doom.

16. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own.