Happy Birthday...

To Me!!

It's a monumental day...for me and our country. Regardless of who wins the election today, our lives will be forever changed. As individuals and as a nation.

I am celebrating my 30th birthday today. Of all my birthdays, this one has the most meaning to me. It comes at a time where I need to celebrate my own life. It marks the end for me. Of a journey through self-punishment. Of days filled with anger and pain and self-doubt. This will be the day where I leave behind the old and embrace the new.

I have ridden the waves of an emotional rollercoaster for months, for years. In 30 years, there are still skeletons in the closet, marriages and divorces, family secrets and betrayal. There has been emotional pain like no other. There has been physical pain that should never have happened. There are hook ups and break ups. There are mistakes that seem foolish and mistakes that seem not so bad.

The eve of such a monumental day brought forth so many emotions and last night was rough. I have watched the decline of our economy for months. I have watched the decline of my physical and emotional state decline for months. I have watched my children decline for months. I have watched the hurt and pain and confusion in others' eyes.

I knew when I woke this morning that there had to be a change. I was born on a day that grants me the gift of making MY personal change along side our nation. I voted for the very first time on my 18th birthday. Knowing what this morning would bring caused the wall to break. The lingering doubts and feelings NEEDED to go. The uncertainty of tomorrow was exactly what I needed to let it go. It was ugly and sad (and made my eyes puffy for my freakin' birthday) but I feel cleansed and prepared.

There is only one path to take and that is forward.

I will be proud and strong. I will not regret the things that I cannot change. I will let go of my need to be perfect. I will be proud of myself 30 years from now, just as I am proud of myself today.

I associate with music. Music touches my soul in way that words never can. On this, the day I was born, 30 years ago, these are my lyrics today:

Staind-So Far Away

And now that we're here, So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes,One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today


Candlebox-Far Behind

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And then maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway


Michael Jackson-Man in the Mirror

I've Been A Victim Of
A Selfish Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With
No Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not Alone?


Vince Gill-I Still Believe in You

Somewhere along the way,
I guess I just lost track
Only thinkin' of myself never lookin' back
For all the times I've hurt you, I apologize
I'm sorry it took so long to finally realize

Creed-With Arms Wide Open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
That he can greet the world
With arms wide open