The last few days have been trying. My pride has taken a severe beating. Since I had very little to begin with, I did not have much to lose. Or maybe I had so much that it makes this feel worse.
I really have nothing. I feel nothing. I am not happy but I am not sad. I am not angry. I am not calm. I am not hopeful but I don't feel hopeless. I have no defined feeling right now...just nothing.
I want to write some great and grand. I want purge whatever is inside me. I want to ease the weight on my shoulders. I feel I can be honest here. No strings, no pretending. This is my place and it belongs to me. I can the say the things here that I cannot say in real life. I can admit that I pretend, that I gloss over the bad. I can admit that the impression I give on the outside is nothing like the inside.
I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 last night. It was good, pretty similar to the first. The part I had a hard time watching was when Bridget goes to see her mom's mom, Greta. Bridget's mom kills herself and Bridget has a hard time coping with it, believing her mom did not love her. Her grandmother assures her that the only reason that her mom held on so long was because of the love she had for Bridget.
What if this is me? I think I am sick. I think some days are good and some days are. I take the bad with the good and the good with the bad. I understand that both are a part of me,my life and who I am. Some days are a breeze and some days feel like the last straw. I think there was a time in the past 5 or 6 years where I may have found some contentment. But, I think this has always been a problem for me. What if I am just trying to hold on for my kids? Some days I can see the end of all of this. Some days I see the end of me.
I just want this to end. Not necessarily me. But something has to give. We cannot survive in these circumstances.
I am feeling the same way as always but different because it is becoming harder for me to put it into words. Maybe they are just gone. I have used them all and explained it the best way I ever will...
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5 comments:
Have I said this to you before?
"The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire."
~John N. Mitchell
It always helped me to know that I was being groomed for something bigger and beyond my expectations. Even now, I have to stop and look around and make an effort to see all the beauty in my life. But it is there. It always is.
((hugs))
Thank you for your honesty.
I just happened upon your blog for the first time...but I wonder if you have spoken to any type of professional about this. It might help! :)
I know you said you weren't going to therapists right now, but maybe you should reconsider?
I'm worried for you.
It happens. Sometimes, I do that, too. I just get up, don't know how I feel, do my day...and then at some point, I laugh. And that feels good. And then something will make me cry. And even that feels good because it's feeling something. Just keep blogging, I really do think it helps.
I know you're feeling pretty damn low right now, but you'll find another reason to live, other than for your kids. Blogging helps, but maybe talking to someone would too? I know you're a Scorpio and all, but thoughts of death aren't good ALL the time.
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