Codependency-Part 2

I really wanted to take the time to go back to my last post. I thought for me and my healing, it would a good opportunity to take a good, hard look at myself. I tried to do some internet searches on the correlation between single parents and codependency. This seems to be a fairly common trend embedded into this world. I felt, to do myself and my readers justice, I should at least see if it more prevalent in single parents. I found nothing! Or nothing worthwhile. So, I will continue with my post, without any scientific or factual basis...


"It is hard for me to make decisions."
This is a hard one. I probably have trouble making decisions now but I think that is because of the recent events. Before all this, I made decisions (outside a relationship) pretty well.

"It is hard for me to say "no.""
I do not say no as much as I should and tend to let people walk all over me.

"It is hard for me to accept compliments graciously."
I am really bad at this. It makes me uncomfortable when people give me compliments.

"Sometimes I almost feel bored or empty if I don't have problems to focus on."
This is true for me. I also tend to make problems if I do not have problems to focus on. I cannot just accept happiness.

"I usually do not do things for other people that they are capable of doing for themselves."
I always do things for people, even if they can them for themselves. It makes me feel needed and wanted and important.

"When I do something nice for myself I usually feel guilty."
I always feel guilty. I know I deserve it and I know I sacrifice a lot of the things that I want so the kids can have more. But I still cannot make it ok in my mind. Maybe I feel undeserving???

"I do not worry very much."
Anyone that reads this blog will know that this statement is 100% untrue. I always worry.

"I tell myself that things will get better when the people in my life change what they are doing."
I tend to do this, thinking that if this person did not do this, I would not be so stressed. I think some of it is warranted and some of it not.

"I seem to have relationships where I am always there for them but they are rarely there for me."
My bad days are irrelevant. I cannot have a bad day or a bad time because that interferes in taking care of them.

"Sometimes I get focused on one person to the extent of neglecting other relationships and responsibilities."
I have been guilty of neglecting other relationships because of the one that I am in but I do not believe I neglect my responsibilities.

"I seem to get into relationships that are painful for me."
Ummm...all of them

"I don't usually let others see the "real" me."
I do not let other people see the real me. It seems that when I do let anyone get a glimpse of that person, it becomes an opportunity to belittle me and berate me.

"When someone upsets me I will hold it in for a long time, but once in a while I explode."
I am good about telling people how I feel. I probably do not do it in the right way and make more problems.

"I will usually go to any lengths to avoid open conflict."
I do not shy away from conflict. In some respects, I would consider myself very confrontational.

"I often have a sense of dread or impending doom."
I live my life thinking that the other shoe will drop at any time. I cannot accept the good as that...good. I always feel that if some good is coming my way, the bad is going to follow soon.

"I often put the needs of others ahead of my own."
I always have, to the point of stretching myself so thin that there is nothing left for me. I fall into bed exhausted, unable to even take care of myself.

I would say that I have enough of these traits that I could consider myself codependent. There is good news though. I was aware of my mistakes before I ever read the symptoms. I have made some appropriate changes in my life to eliminate some of the problems. I am accepting the good that we have been granted, the peace. I am not creating any problems, just enjoying that there are none. I even avoided to confrontational comments that B made by just blowing it off. I am not focused on just one person right now. I am focused on me and the kids. I am probably neglecting some other relationships in the process but we need this right now. I do not have a sense of dread or doom and the things that may not work out are not on the forefront of my mind. I am avoiding conflict right now but mostly because there is no point to it. I cannot talk to people that will not listen or hear. I cannot to people that are so closed off in their little world that they cannot see the big picture. I am doing things for myself and putting some of my needs first. I realize the importance if making me "whole" again.

I had a Soul Portrait done on Saturday, courtesy of E (Thank you so very much for this! Like I said, I am just going to believe and not question. It gave me hope and strength and I do not care why. I just know that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it give me the power to keep moving forward). It was so amazing and so personal. There is so much I would love to share but so much that feels like it just belongs to me. When you start talking about your soul, it is hard to reveal any of that. It was exactly what I needed right now. Although I have made some big strides on my own and with help and support, I feel like this was the last step I needed. She validated some things that I have been struggling with personally. I felt better walking out of that room than I ever have while talking to a therapist. I feel like there is so much hope for me and the kids. I need to hang my Soul Portrait in my living room, where I will always see it and remember. I need to go back and listen to my tape.

I was asked out on 2 dates (technically 3 but the first came on the tail end of my tailspin and it was the last thing I wanted to do)...in the same night. I did not say yes and I did not say no. The former me would have jumped all over. The chance for company, for love, to get back at V? I would have barreled down my path of self-destruction once again. But I stopped this time. I am not sure what I am going to do from here. I am still not sure of my motives. I am still not sure I am ready. I am still not sure I am entirely over V. So, in the meantime, I am not saying anything.

I thought back to when I started dating. I was in a relationship for 5 years, took a small break from committed relationships but had many destructive ones in between (unavailable men, men who used me, men I used). I was in another relationship for 3 years and took another small break but again, filled that void with destructive relationships. I was in a relationship with B for 4 years. After that I ended, I like to think I was a little smarter. I did get into another relationship but I ended it fairly quickly and did not let it get too serious. Then I met V. In black and white, the path I take is pretty apparent. In some ways, I may be walking a fine line on that again.

I do feel stronger and much smarter this time. I feel more aware of myself and who I am. I know what my kids have been through and I know I do not want that to happen again.
Right now, I am just going to wait and see. I do not need to be in control of everything all the time. Things can happen on their own without any prodding from me. I am going to let this one play out.