The gloves are off!

This is the additional information I provided in my Responsive paperwork. Once I got going, I just couldn't stop. This is a long one so you may want to grab a snack or something...


I believe the only problems with our current parenting time schedule are caused by the Respondent and his lack of consistency. I believe the Respondents proposed schedule is based on his needs and wants rather than our children’s best interests. His proposed schedule would rush our children into a situation that is beneficial only to him and more upsetting and confusing for our children. There has been no indication that Respondent is making decisions that are in the best interests of C and M.

We attended our first mediation session on February 26th, 2008. I felt that mediation went well and we had found a place to work out our differences in order to make responsible decisions for our kids. The court has received a copy of the memo from that session from mediator.

We increased the number of visits each month so the kids would have ample opportunity and ample time to form a bond with Respondent (who had been absent physically and emotionally up until Jan 2008). These visits were to take place at or near my home as it did not make sense to drive them to an alternate location for a 2 hour visit. From February 26th, 2008 until May 31st, 2008, the Respondent had 7 short visits available to him. He used only one of those short visits during that timeframe.

We agreed to every other night phone calls at 7:30 pm. This was decided because Respondent was having trouble calling every night so we thought every other night would be an easier schedule. Respondent did not note a problem with this change during mediation. Two weeks later I received a notice from the court amending our previous order to allow Respondent daily phone contact with the children. I called mediator to find out if Respondent had called her to let her know that he had a problem with every other night phone calls. She indicated that she had not heard from him at all and was unaware that he wanted it changed. Somehow, although we had already addressed this issue in mediation and were currently in the required mediation timeframe, Respondent was able to get our court order amended without my knowledge or input. The phone calls still did not and currently do not happen on a daily basis.

Respondent and I have both acknowledged and we both recognize that our son is very sensitive, far more sensitive than other kids his age. Due to emotional and behavior problems witnessed by myself and his daycare provider, I decided to bring him to a professional to receive some help, with Respondents agreement. Respondent and I agreed that we would both participate in therapy and I was to let him know when C’s appointments were. C’s first appointment was March 4th, 2008. Respondent did not attend. C’s second appointment was March 24th, 2008. Respondent did attend this appointment. M explained to both of us the importance of keeping the visitation/phone call schedule very consistent and very stable. The idea was that we could create a predictable environment for C that would alleviate his stress and anxiety. One week later I received a cc: letter that Respondent wrote to the court. In this letter, Respondent indicated that it was “very apparent to all” that C just needs more time with his father. At no point in C’s session did M indicate that that would be a solution or an option. If the court wishes, I will sign a release so you may review C’s therapy session notes, including the session on March 24th. C’s third appointment was April 14th, 2008. Respondent did not attend. C’s fourth appointment was May 5th, 2008. Respondent did not attend. His most recent appointment was June 4th, 2008. Respondent did not attend.

In the same above referenced letter, dated March 26th, 2008, Respondent indicated that I have prevented him from ordered visitations. There have been missed visits, but they were due to one or both of the children being sick and being unable to go on their scheduled visit.
In this same letter, Respondent indicates that C wants to stay at his house until it is late. C is 4 years old and is in no way capable of making that decision for himself.
Respondent also mentions our mediation session and indicates that he has been following the altered schedule, which is limiting his time with the kids. Respondent has not followed the altered schedule and as noted above, has actually chosen not to use the extra time that we agreed upon. These extra days increased his time with the children. It did not limit the time. Respondent indicated that there are no real issues with the children, only issues that I have personally. This is completely inaccurate. While some may not agree with my decision to get professional help for C, I did what I thought was in his best interests. He was struggling on a daily basis with his anger and his emotions. “A Parental Guide to Making Child-Focused Parenting Time Decisions” says “parents may also wish to seek help for their children by consulting a child psychologist or by seeking services from the local social service agency.” I felt unequipped to handle C’s situation but not because of my own personal issues. C’s issues have been witnessed by myself, his daycare provider, his therapist, numerous members of my family and other parties that see C on a regular basis. C was also seen on March 20th, 2008 by his pediatrician (Dr. J) because C was complaining about his “brain punching him”. After a thorough neurological exam and a phone consult with a neurologist at Mayo Clinic, C was diagnosed with migraines brought on by stress and anxiety. Some days, his migraines are so severe that they cause him to vomit. These are not “imagined” problems. These are real problems that our 4 year old son has to deal with daily. He is unable to adapt to change. He gets stressed and anxious by the slightest change in his schedule and routine. The stress and anxiety cause him to get migraines and it causes him to act out inappropriately and in very extreme ways.

The other situation we discussed at our mediation session was allowing Respondent’s other family members to be present during Respondent’s visitation time. I felt it would cause more problems for our children while trying to adjust to a new schedule. Until our February court date (and order), the children had not been to Respondent’s home. I felt (and mediator and Respondent agreed) that it would be overwhelming for the children to have other people present. We all agreed that it would be very confusing for them and could possibly cause them a lot of anxiety, especially for C. We agreed that Respondent could have his oldest daughter present during one short visit each month. This would continue for 2 months which would bring us to our next scheduled mediation session. At our next mediation session, we would discuss how we felt the children were doing and if Respondent and I both agreed that the the children were comfortable with him. We also planned on discussing whether the children had re-established their bond with the Respondent, enough that the kids would feel secure introducing Respondents other family members to them. Respondent never attempted to abide by this. Respondent indicated that the children were comfortable at his home with all his other family members present. The children were never given another option. Up until February 2008, the children did not know the members of Respondents family (with the exception of his oldest daughter and his parents) but were expected to accept them as part of their visits with their father. The children enjoy spending time with their dad, but they enjoy one-on-one time. Respondent has not attempted to give that to the children. He sees the children for a limited amount of time each month and that time should be used for him and the children, not as a time to force the children to accept his other family members or share their limited amount of time with family member that see Respondent on a daily basis. Respondents other family members are grown and have the ability to understand why Respondent’s young children need their own time with dad and why Respondent needs time with his young children. Our children are babies that do not understand why they have to share their dad with anyone else.

During the course of Respondent’s parenting time, the children have come home with some very upsetting stories. C said he was hiding in Daddy’s bedroom because Daddy was screaming on the phone and he was scared. The kids have said that “Crazy” doesn’t wear any pants when they are at Daddy’s house. Both children have said that Daddy, Crazy Jr and Crazy told them that they don’t have to live with Mommy anymore and they can come live with Daddy. I discussed all these things with Respondent and I also discussed them with the mediator so we could address them during our next mediation session.

On May 7th, 2008 I received a phone call from mediator. She said she was submitting her report to the court and that she had spoken to Respondent and he indicated that he was not interested in attending mediation any longer. I asked mediator how that was possible since we were attending court ordered mediation. She said that she cannot force anyone to attend mediation. She can only submit her findings to the court.

In addition to all the above concerns, there are other concerns that should be taken into consideration before making any determination regarding overnight visits. When our parenting time schedule started in February 2008, Respondent was living in XXXX, WI. In March 2008, Respondent was evicted from that residence for non-payment of rent. From March 08-May 08, Respondent was living in XXXX, MN (the last known address I have). In May 2008, he was evicted from that residence for non-payment of rent. Respondent is now residing in XXXX, MN. The constant change in the children’s environment when they visit Respondent is very upsetting to them. They will never feel as if his home is their home when they do not have a consistent place to visit him. In addition, in all the places where Respondent has resided, not one of them was equipped with an extra bedroom for C and M (including his current residence). If the intention was to eventually move to overnight visits, why did Respondent not address the issue of not having an extra bedroom? Besides moving 2 times (and not by choice) in the last 3 months, there are other issues in the home: shoplifting, domestic disturbance calls, disorderly conduct, writing worthless checks, fraudulent use of a credit card, habitual truancy from school, underage drinking, repossessions. These are ongoing problems and exposing C and M to them is not in their best interests. There is no indication or evidence that Respondents home is safe, loving, stable or comfortable.

I agree with the path of parenting time schedule but completely disagree with the timing. This has been a very confusing time for our children. They do not know when Respondent is going to call or when they can expect a call. Respondent will tell the children that he will call the following night, but never calls. Respondent will tell the children that he going to come and see them but calls in the morning to say he cannot make it. All these situations cause C and M to be very upset. They look forward to seeing their dad but there is no consistency for them. They need to know what to expect from their dad and they need to know that he is someone that they can trust and someone they can rely on. This will never happen if things continue as they currently are. I believe the current visitation schedule is the best possible schedule at this point and what is in the best interests of our children. In addition, Respondent should attempt to utilize some of his parenting time for one-on-one contact with the children. If Respondent can maintain a steady residence with a separate bedroom for C and M and a regular, consistent visitation schedule and no new issues arising, the issue of overnight visits should be addressed at a later point in time.

I will help, as I have been doing, foster the kids’ relationship with their dad in any way that I can so we can move forward with our parenting time schedule at some later point in time. I will also continue with C’s therapy sessions so he can get to place where schedule changes do not cause him so much stress and anxiety. I will provide a calendar for the children so they can mark the days and see the days when Respondent will call and when Respondent will see them (with the understanding that Respondent will follow the schedule baring any unexpected circumstances). I will continue to encourage the children’s relationship with Respondent.