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My little man had his birthday party on Saturday. The weather was great, water was flying everywhere and C was so happy. Thank you to my sis for the awesome pics she took at his party. Here are a few of my favs:

If you want to see the rest of them, you can go HERE.

I also went to court yesterday. B wanted overnights. Needless to say, the judge was not real impressed with him and gave him a lecture on why the visitation is set up the way it is. The judge did not issue an order but said he would have one before the end of the week. I feel good about it.

I have been struggling a bit lately, trying to find something tangible to believe in, something I can fall back on when I feel like the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders. It definitely is not religion. No offense to anyone that is, but saying to myself "God will take care of this" sounds REALLY stupid to me.

I had a discussion with a friend about spirituality. She mentioned it to reassure me about C. We talked about karma and how your actions in life will affect the life you get the next go-round. And the life you have now is because of the karma attached to your soul...the soul created by the good/bad in your previous life. OK, this I can get my mind around.

She went on to say that there are also some that believe that your kids actually pick you. They pick you for the lessons they will learn from you and how they can use it in their own life to create their karma. At this point, I just burst out crying. Why would my kids pick me? What am I teaching them? Why would they pick B and put themselves through all this hurt and pain? I might believe. Maybe that is why is was so hard to hear.

It is a great burden to know that my kids picked me and I am supposed to be teaching them something...but what? Am I doing it already? Is there someone or something that tells me whether I taught them or not?

A step further...if my kids' karma for their next life depends on this life and this is the case for everyone...where do the child molesters and rapists and murderers come from? Did they create bad karma for themselves by doing something bad in their previous life? And by doing bad things in this life, they have already created bad karma for their next life. Where does it end? Do they ever get good karma back? And why did they pick their parents...so their parents could teach them to be this way? Or were their parents supposed to teach them different but the parents had no idea that was the lessons they were supposed to teach? Who takes responsibility for the bad?

I know, a really deep conversation for a blog. I am just trying to find some peace for myself. I need to find peace within. Something that tells me that I AM doing a good job, that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, that my kids are learning the lessons they wanted to learn.

I find this whole belief very intriguing and I think I need to spend some more time thinking about it and learning about it. If anyone has any good resources, please let me know.