My greatest fear.

This post is in response to Ms. Single Mama's post about fears and how we overcome them...or better yet, what are the steps to overcoming them.

I have had this post sitting on my computer right in front of my face since 9:00 this morning. The challenge for myself in writing this was to narrow down my fears. I fear that something will happen to my kids, especially when they are not with me and that if something did happen to them that I could never move past the loss and guilt. I fear drowning (this would not be on my "Top 5 Ways to Leave This World" list). I fear spiders (they have legs and sometimes they are furry and the thought of having them touch my skin is enough to make me scream like a 8 year old girl at a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus concert). But none of these things cause me to be so paralyzed with fear that I question my every move.

So what is my biggest fear? That I am failing as a parent.

On the surface, everything is grand. My kids have a great place to live, they have their own rooms, I make them dinner almost every night, I have taught them about good food choices, picking up toys, brushing their teeth. I take them to the doctor and the dentist. I make sure their clothes are clean and their hair is brushed. I plan fun activities for them. I play with them. I read them bedtime stories and make sure they get to sleep at a decent hour. I give them timeouts when they need discipline. I stay up with them when they are sick, I wipe their noses, clean up their bathroom "accidents" and wipe up vomit. I make sure they take their vitamins. I make sure they are in their car seats and buckled securely. I make sure they wear sunscreen. I make sure they have not kicked the covers off in the middle of the night. I make sure they take a bath and I make sure their fingernails and toenails are cut. I make sure they know how proud I am of them and how much I love them how grateful I am that they are my children. I make sure they know how smart and cute and wonderful they are. I make they know that dad loves them (although I question it on a regular basis). I make sure they know that I will always love them, even when they eat bugs, pee in their pants or "decorate" their room with their bathroom accident. I make sure they know the world is great and wonderful and they have so many things to look forward to.

There is nothing phenomenal about what I do. There are millions of single parents out there that live their lives the same way I do. I also know that I do not have it "bad", I know that the choice to be a single mom was mine (I could have handed those kids over to ex and let him be the responsible one), I know that I do a good job of taking care of them, I know that there are lots of kids that have it a lot worse than my kids (the ones with parents who don't care) and I know that I am doing the best that I can. I know that I am giving it my all. I know my kids are happy and healthy and safe. So why do I fear that I am failing?

There is always the little tiny voice that questions the decisions I make. Could I have done it better? Should I have done this? Should I have done that? Will they grow up to be good, honest people? What if they don't? What if I screw them up along the way? What if I am going about this the wrong way?

The little voice makes me question the decisions I have already made. Why did I stay so long? How could I believe that my kids wouldn't know what was going on? What have I done to them by exposing them to so much?

Being a parent is hard, being a single parent is twice as hard. No one hands you "Single Parenting for Dummies" as a parting gift for a failed relationship. No one gives you a cheat sheet on how to answer the kids' hard questions. No one tells you how hard it will be just to find 5 minutes to cry so the kids will not see. No one tells you how often you will need that 5 minutes just to make it through another day. No one tells you how agonizing it is to hear your kids say that daddy doesn't love them or care about them. No one tells you how hard it is to say "yes, he loves you very much and cares about you very much" and keep the anger and sadness out of your voice.

Part 1-Check. My soul has taken a small beating but I made it.

Part 2-How am I going to conquer this fear?

Surprisingly, this is the easy part....

They are my kids. That's it. Nothing else.

I am not going to dwell on what ifs and what could have beens. I refuse to allow this fear to interfere with my kids growing up and our life together. I will never look back and say "Gee, I wish I had not spent so much time wondering about the future and missing the now". My kids are wonderful and beautiful and smart and funny. I don't care about the rest of it. I am grateful every single day of my life that I am their mom. I could never go back and "un-do" anything. I could never not have them in my life. I could never picture me without them. I will love them no matter what.

I don't think this is so much about conquering but more about accepting. This is it. This is the only life we get. I can spend it fearing this laundry list of insignificant worries or I can jump in and live it with my kids. I choose to live it. If my kids struggle along the way, I will watch from a distance and know that I have given them the tools they need to overcome their problems. I know my kids will never wonder if I love them or care about them. My kids will know that they are important. My kids will know that I will always be here for them.

I will make mistakes. I will make bad decisions. I will not be perfect. And we will all survive.