Here goes...

Things are a million times worse than they have ever been.

The kids never got overnight visits as I had to deny visitation before that ever happened (I use "had" because I felt my options were limited).

The kids did not adjust at all to being at their dad's house. They fought me at every visit (C more so than M). When they got back home, it was a disaster. B refused to talk about it or discuss it and blew off anything I said. The phone calls started getting bad again (calling constantly, calling me bad names) so I limited him to email contact only in regards to the kids (the two of us discussing them).

The kids started coming home with more and more stories.
"Daddy yells and scares me"
"Daddy was screaming on the phone so I hid under his bed"
"Daddy didn't give us anything to eat"
"S (B's ex-wife/wife..he may have married her again..according to the court papers I received she is his wife) doesn't wear pants at dad's house"

Then they started getting worse...

"It is stinky there"
"Daddy doesn't take care of us"
"S shows us her naked boobies and daddy shows us his wiener"
"K (B and S's daughter) is mean to us"
"S pulled me down the stairs because she said I was naughty. But it's ok mom, I didn't hit my head this time because the toys were put away"
"I am afraid to go there"
"Daddy and S yell at us and tell us all we do is wreck their house"
"Daddy and S grabbed our arms and pinch us when we are naughty"
"It is bad there"
"I want daddy to stay away from my house"
"Mommy, please promise me that I don't have to go back there"

They are babies. Why is this happening to them? I am heartbroken and SO angry at B. Not only did all the above come out, but against my better judgement, I let B come see the kids and he basically intimidated them. I was downstairs, he was upstairs, supposedly "playing" with the kids. He left, C started crying, said "please don't make me talk to dad anymore" I asked why and he said that dad told him that he was angry that C told mom about dad's house. And if C wants to go to dad's house again, he will love S and K, just as dad loves them.

The first weekend I denied visitation, he called the cops. I talked to the deputy, told him that I believe the kids are being abused and they do not want to go. He didn't even forward it to Social Services (our CPS). His report said B was "shaken" by what I said so apparently he took that to mean it was untrue and B gave him the reaction he was looking for??? I called Social Services (1 phone call and 1 email) and they said there is nothing they can do without any visible marks or substantiated claims that they touched the kids' genitals or they touched the kid's with there genitals. I called the 1-800 DV number and they were no help. They said they hear a lot of cases like mine but have no resources available. I called legal aid again, they are still not able to help. I called a attorneys about representation and less the initial consultation (some of those were not even free), there are no payment plans. The standard answer I received is "that is just not things are done in XXX". My last hope is the Women's Shelter. They may have resources available for me.

I have been pondering an OFP. I say pondering because if you look at the forms for my state, there needs to be evidence of abuse. All I have is what my kids are saying. I do have affidavits from my DC lady re: the changes in their behavior (which I did not mention yet...both are starting to do better not that they are not seeing their dad but they were both pooping and peeing in their pants again in addition to being overly emotional and very aggressive). I was able to have my son see his therapist once but she is gone for the next 3 weeks and she believes it will be detrimental for him to speak to someone new. I have a letter from my sis as she witnessed the kids' crying fit when they thought they were being brought to their dads. Other than that, I no LEGAL authority backing me up.

I received contempt paperwork in the mail on Monday for denying the visitation. He is asking for travel reimbursement (even though I told him the kids were not coming), he wants me to pay his lost wages for having to go to court, he wants the court to impose a contempt penalty on me and he is asking for extended overnights (Fri-Sun) and 1 week for each month of the summer (June, July, August). He is also claiming that I "coached" the kids to say all the above.

*sigh*

Any words of wisdom or hope for me?

I am hanging on by my fingernails. I want to be happy and positive for my kids but I am struggling with my own guilt. I KNEW this would happen. I know how he is.

You gals that read my blog are knowledgeable. Any other ideas that I have not thought of yet?