Thank you!

I want to say thanks to Ms. Single Mama for my Second Place prize her Flatten Your Fears contest. I am grateful that she provided me with the opportunity to take a close look at myself. I see that my fear is completely understandable but with that understanding came the realization that it didn't need to consume my entire life. I am doing what I can. I will never feel a day of remorse or regret because I KNOW that I am doing a good job. Thank you to the other winners of this contest; Pisces Hanna for her fear that her "family" will be replaced by a "traditional family" and O Solo Mom for her fear of standing by and letting life happen and knowing our kids can handle it.

I want say thank to everyone who entered the contest. You gave words to the fears that we never have the courage to speak out loud.

And while I am thanking people...a big thank you to my sister, for just being her.

I will never claim to be one those women that don't get emotional. Honestly, a commercial on TV can make me tear up. That freakin' Sarah McLaughlin commercial gets me every time! On the other hand, I am not a big sobbing, sloppy, emotional woman either. I can take a good ass-chewing without shedding tears (publicly at least). I can ignore snide comments, judgemental stares, ignorance and stupid questions. But, somehow, a simple statement from my sister makes me tear up every time I read it (and I read it often).

"Few people have the courage to appear as good as they really are!"

Maybe my sister didn't know how much I needed to hear that...but maybe she did. I would never have applied that saying to myself. I would never have viewed myself in that way. My sister sees it. I talk to my sister far less than my other sisters. I see my sister far less than my other sisters. She is busy. She works full-time. She goes to school. She races mountain bikes. She takes pictures. She trains. Her free time is virtually non-existent. But she always finds the time. After running weekend after weekend, she didn't miss C's birthday party. She didn't miss Kristina's wedding. She never misses the "important" stuff. She still finds time for family and friends. In addition, she never judges. She was one of the first people I told about being pregnant with C. She took the news without the slightest raised eyebrow. You would have thought I told her something as random as "I had chicken for lunch today". Telling the rest of my family was easier just knowing that I had someone on my side. My sister gives me courage. My sister has the right words. My sister knows when to use them. My sister acknowledges my life. She never pretends it is easy for me nor does she assume that it is. She is one of the few people I know that appreciates what she has. She doesn't complain about what she could have or what she wants or what could have been different or how bad it is for her. She has goals and works hard to attain those goals. My sister took the time to give me something positive without expecting anything in return. I just want to give my sister a big thank you. I think you are amazing too and I love you sis!

I didn't start this blog as a way for the world to always see inside my life. I never intended to have anyone commend me for the "job" I do. I never expected anything from this. This blog is my sanity. Writing is my outlet. Maybe no one else wants to listen to me bitch and moan but I know I can put it here...and no one can stop me. This is mine. There is no yelling, no arguing, no ultimatums, no unkind words. I can just sit and type. I can pour my heart and soul into this. I can be brutality honest (and I really try) and I can go back and I can read it. I can learn about myself. I can see myself at that moment, how hurt or happy or angry I was. I can always do and be better because I can always see who and what I was.

This blog has become something much bigger for me...