Slowly but surely

I was really hoping that I would just bounce back from all of this. I tell everyone that I am ok, but I don't know if I am. I don't even know if I can explain to them why I am not.

I cannot figure out of I am more upset that it ended or if I am more upset because he ended it. Now I am starting to question everything. I feel unsure that I loved him the right way or the best that I could. I know that I cannot say that I always gave 100%. I know that he put up with a lot from me because honestly, when I am stressed, I am not nice. I am not nice to anyone around me. I know that I didn't always make him feel special and important. I know that I could have done better. I know it is too late.

I cannot figure out if I am upset that it is too late. If he called me and said "hey, can we get together and talk?" I would probably say yes but I don't know that what he would say would convince me that his choice was wrong.

Sometimes I still want to hear his voice and he makes me feel bad about that. Sometimes it really doesn't bother me. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am sad and I always feel like I want to vomit.

I have spent the majority of the past few days thinking. Thinking about everything that happened. Trying to figure out where it all went so wrong. Did we make a mistake right from the beginning? Did he ever really love? Or, like me, is he unsure of how to really love someone?

I think I have moved onto the guilt. I feel bad about all the bad I said and did. I feel bad that I didn't just accept him for who he was. I feel bad that this is what it came to.

I need to talk about it. I need to hear someone else's voice responding to what I am saying. Blogging helps but it is like I am writing to an invisible person.

I am stuck in an in-between place of wanting to hide out and not wanting to be alone. Alone is such a scary word.

I am scared at the finality of this. There has never been finality before. He never made me feel intrusive for calling him. Yet, he still cares and says that he still loves me. Maybe I am making more mistakes now. Maybe I should just leave it alone. Maybe knowing he is only a phone call away is making this worse.

I used to be sick by the ringing phone and knowing it might be him and I would have to decide to answer it or not. Now I am sick about the fact that the ringing phone won't be him.

I want him not be so hard on himself. I want him to focus on what he has done rather than what he has not. I want him to remember how much the kiddos love him. I want him to remember that they will not forget about him as easily as he thinks.

I want him to know that I understand why he kept an apartment, even if I didn't agree with it. I want him to know that I wish he would have just came to me and talked to me and trusted me to be supportive. I want him to know that we would have figured it out together, just like we always tried to do.

I don't want our ending to be based on lies and misunderstandings. I want to leave this with a clear conscience. With respect and caring for one another.

I want him to heal in whatever way he feels he needs to. I want him to be a bigger man than B and not walk away from the kids without a backwards glance. I want him to realize that he is still important. I want him to remain a part of their lives, even if it hard for him. I want him to realize that remaining for them is not a ploy by me to be near him or stay near him. It is my need as a mom to protect them from more hurt.

Maybe I should have thought of that sooner.

I thought I didn't want an explanation. But I think I do. I want to know how he figured it out in his own mind so maybe i can figure it out in mine.

I just cannot figure out how being with me was so bad or I was so unsupportive that he felt that this was his best option.