Explanations

First, I freely wrote about everything and anything. Then, I only allowed certain people to read my blog. Then, I closed it down completely so only I could read it. I did not explain why nor did I justify my reasons to anyone. No one made me mad. No one said anything to upset me.

I am very quick to point out my flaws to anyone and everyone. I do not have a very high opinion of myself; as a person or as a parent. I think that I have always been this way. I have always been fairly hard on myself and expect perfection...from myself and those around me.

I can point out the good things too, if there a reason or motivation to. The one thing I do know about myself is that there is always a quiet strength stirring around inside of me. Regardless of how bad things get, it is there. Sometimes it gets pushed further and further to the bottom, smothered by all the other emotions that are swirling around inside of me.

I think the good days that I have are that strength rearing its head...asking me what the hell I am doing and telling me that I need to get my shit together. For that day, things seem better because I am who I always was.

This strength that lives inside of me is what has been carrying me through my life. The disappointment that I feel is not something I like to carry with me but let's be honest...there have been events in my life that have been very disappointing. I do not want them to be the marker of what I have had to deal with, I do not want them to be the measure of everything else that disappoints me. But they are. They are the events that gave me the strength to carry on. I did not give up. I did not lay down and take it. I stood up, I took that step forward and I have continued to take a step every day.

I also have a hard time shutting myself off. I have trouble shielding myself to everyone else's pain. I hear a sad story and it feel like it happened to me. I watch tv and it is painful. I read books and it hurts. So, I have come to a point where it is all or nothing. Either I fully give myself over to the world (which is really who I am) or I shut it all off (and become a recluse).

My poor heart aches; for me, my kids, for my family and friends. It aches for the people that cannot make ends meet right now, it aches for the single parents that are just starting their journey, it aches for the injustices in the world. The people that get sick but don't deserve to be sick, the parents whose son hung himself last week, the people that have no family, the people that love no one and have no one to love them in return.

The point of this whole post? I want my strength back. I want my life back.

I like blogging. I like that people read my words. Maybe it is vanity, maybe it just feels good to know I am not alone. But, it is burying my strength even further. I write these words and know that someone is going to read them and tell me that I have every right to feel this way. A good thing, right? For most people. But for me, it is justifying my intense need to dwell on the bad and not focus on the good.

How crazy do I sound right now?

I am opening my blog back up. It will be public again. There will be posts missing. I did not delete them. I saved them as drafts. Someday I might go back and read them (I NEVER go back and read anything that I wrote). I might use those posts as my measure. I might need them someday to renew the strength living inside of me, to carry me through another bad day or another bad time.