Make Peace

"The commitment to morality, or non-harming, is a source of tremendous strength, because it helps free the mind from the remorse of having done unwholesome actions. Freedom from remorse leads to happiness. Happiness leads to concentration. Concentration brings wisdom. And wisdom is the source of peace and freedom in our lives." -Joseph Goldstein, A Heart Full of Peace

I read this today while sitting in C's therapist's office. I was actually struggling with some really difficult thoughts. Thoughts I am not going to discuss now because they do not matter anymore or have any bearing on this post. Just reading that gave me a feeling of peace. I thought to myself how hard it is to carry angerness and bitterness with me everyday. I read Kori's post, in response to Hanna's post and some comments she received. I seriously had to think about how I am handling this. Am I angry and bitter? Am I angry at my kids? Am I angry at society? At ignorant people? At B?

I think that I am but I am getting better. I think that it really mattered to me that society accept my new "family" and my single momma status. When people would make stupid comments (like "when did you get divorced?" or "do your kids have the same dad?"), I would feel embarrassed...for me. Now, I just feel embarrassed for them. I am still very angry at B. Not because he left, not because of anything that is going on now but because of what he missing. I also could care less if society accepts me and the life I have.

I feel lighter these days. I feel like the tightness is slowly easing up. I feel like I can make it through the day without fighting my own thoughts. I feel like I have something to look forward to. I feel like the kids are settling into a new routine. I feel like we are all healing.

On the subject of B, we left the courtroom and he already wanted to fight with me. I told the GAL that if they gave him some leeway, he would steamroll everyone and everything. She didn't believe me. I get home from work (6 hours after walking out of the courtroom) and I had this email waiting for me (part of it):

Also, since our negotiating regarding 1 child tax exemption for you, 1 child tax exemption for me failed, I will be immediately filing an order with the court asking for a judgment ordering that. Child support has nothing to do with the tax exemption. Child support amounts are based on your income, my income and how much support the kids need and it is split up based on that. I have the right to 1 exemption yearly, just as much as you do. I am demanding total fairness in all aspects of raising our children.

He claims that he no longer has any kids to claim on his taxes (as his other ones are adults) and he has to claim extra exemptions on his paycheck because he has to pay me child support and he wouldn't have enough money to live? So he wants me to give him the exemption to offset him having to pay child support. Makes a lot of sense huh?

If he reaches his max parenting time awarded by the court, he will have the kids 13% of the time. If he pays his child support as ordered, he will provide 18% of the income that comes into our household. The IRS website and the revenue dept. for our state says the custodial parent claims the children on their returns and/or the parent that provides more than 50% of the kids' support. Somehow, he believes that he provides more than 50% of their support even though I provide 82% of our total income and have the kids 87% of the time????

I could be angry about it. I could be frustrated about probably having to go back to court again. But I am not. I just laughed. I laughed at his ignorance. I laughed at his intimidation tactics that don't work on me anymore. I laughed about him asking for another court date and making the judge even more angry with him. But mostly, I laughed because it is always about money with him. What a sad and lonely existence for him...