Monday Musings

I have high hopes for today and high hopes for this week. We have so many good things coming up that I really want to focus on those. I told myself on Saturday (after a REALLY bumpy start, a breakdown and other stuff) that I need to find my center again. I need to find that peace that comes with not answering to anyone, not trying to mesh parenting styles, not having to approve my decisions (personal and parenting) with another person.

My kids are young and I get them to myself. They love me and I love them. We get to share our lives together.

Tomorrow is M.'s birthday. My baby girl is going to be 3. She is beautiful on the inside and the outside. Her personality amazes me. She is the little mommy in our house. She constantly ask if everyone is doing ok, if we are happy, if we are sad. She loves to brush her own hair and she loves to brush mine (my deal I made with her is she can keep her long hair but she cannot complain when it needs to be brushed...so far so good). She loves clothes and shoes (gee...a real surprising trait). She loves makeup and she waits patiently in the morning while I put on mine. She sits on the toilet and watches me and every once in while, I reach over to put just a little on her. With this also comes the knowledge that if she has been in the bathroom for too long, she is probably into my makeup. She loves playing with her babies and she talks to them in a sweet little mommy voice. She is constantly praised for her conversation skills. People wonder how such musings come from such a tiny girl with a tiny voice. She is my shadow. She does everything with me and follows me everywhere (this does wear on my nerves sometimes). I am so thankful and so amazed that I have been blessed with such an amazing little girl.

In addition to M's birthday, my niece had her 1st birthday last Thursday. We are having a party on Saturday to celebrate both little girls' birthdays.

Halloween is slowly sneaking up. My kids (C mostly) loves Halloween. M still gets scared by costumes and noises. They are excited for Halloween to get here and I am excited to take them trick-or-treating.

Halloween is fortunately on a Friday this year. No late nights, no candy overload, no early morning rush to work and daycare. Halloween weekend is also the weekend before my birthday.

I will celebrate my 30th birthday on Election Day.

I have a spa weekend planned with my sister (her treat). We are going to stay in a rustic cabin for the weekend and enjoy hot stone massages, manicures and pedicures. We will nap and be lazy.

Thanksgiving is coming. I LOVE Thanksgiving. It is my absolute favorite holiday. I love to eat, I love everything about it!

I do have some bad stuff going on too. The kids have seen their dad, supervised by the GAL. It seemed to go ok. I am slowly trying to figure out in my own mind how I can be happy about the kids seeing their dad, knowing what he may have done to them. They will see him again on Thursday night; just for dinner (supervised by the GAL). I found out today that he has another open warrant. I also found out that he will go to court next week...another eviction. I am not going to freak about it. I am going to send a nicely worded email to the GAL letting her know my concerns, the pattern since the beginning of this year, the similarities between that pattern and the one we went through while we were together and the results of B's anger. I will explain to her that C's claim of physical abuse are more than likely true based on how B deals with stress, anxiety and the anger that comes with it.

So, I am hoping for a positive change and a positive shift in my outlook and a positive shift in the kids' outlook. I want to enjoy spending time with them.

I wish that these last few months had not turned out the way they did. I wish that I would have held onto the knowledge that B would have and will always make mistakes. And when those mistakes happen, it only helps my fight.

We will see what happens. I am hoping and wishing for the best!