We're Off To See the Wizard

I am riding the highs of my newly found sense of peace and my sense of self. I know the critics and cynics are out there, waiting to jump all over that statement. I know this may be temporary. I know I cannot stop what I am already doing. I know that this may well be coming from meds and not all the new self-help books I am emerging myself in. I am ok with that.

Albert Einstein once said “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” We all knew he was smart huh?

I could continue on my exact same path. I could live with a heavy heart every day. But for what purpose? Who really suffers for it? Me? The kiddos? Not gonna happen...

I have been given an opportunity to pick myself up, dust myself off and go at it again. And I will. That is what life is about...living.

My life may not be the greatest by anyone else's standards. Some may feel sorry for me. Some may idolize me. Some may be angry with me. It is great to me though.

I went back to this post and decided to make another list. A list of reasons why my life is good:
1. My kids are healthy
2. I am healthy
3. I love my kids with every fiber of my being
4. My kids love me unconditionally and without limits
5. C is such a little ladies man (he told me that he loves my smell and he loves my face)
6. They scream and run to me when I pick them up from daycare
7. I have a roof over our head (and a pretty nice one)
8. I have a car that runs
9. I have a job that pays the bills
10. I keep food on the table
11. I have a boss who understands my "single mommy" status
12. I have friends that care about me and my kids
13. My family adores my kids
14. I have no serious vices (no drinking, no drugs)
15. I am content to be at home with the kids
16. We have a dog (we have never lived in a place where we could have one)
17. The kids have winter clothes (I don't have to worry about what to dress them in if the weather turns seriously cold)
18. I have 4 sisters that I talk to all the time
19. I have family that lives close to me
20. I have a support system that got me to this point and will get me to the next
21. We have cable (a luxury these days)
22. My kids have TV's and DVD players in their rooms (also a luxury that I provided to them)
23. My kids have their own rooms
24. They have their own toy room
25. Their home is comfortable and safe
26. My kids can play outside...alone and have the same freedom I did when I was a kid
27. We have a computer at home and the internet
28. We can afford to eat regular food (we do not sustain ourselves on mac and cheese or pb&j)
29. I can afford to buy them fresh fruits and vegetables
30. I can afford the occasional indulgence of DQ or McDonald's
31. We don't "need" things (i.e. we have furniture, blankets, dressers, pots and pans)
32. I do not answer to anyone
33. I have no fear of anyone else's mood
34. I am not living for anyone else but me and the kids
35. I get the kids all to myself
36. I get to do kid stuff again (coloring, sidewalk chalk, running through the sprinkler)
37. I get to see all the new "kid" movies that come out
38. I get to hold tiny hands when we cross the street
39. My cubicle at work is covered with pics from C and M
40. I get to practice me hair technique on M (she loves braids on her hair)
41. I get to sniff clean kids right after the bath
42. There are always bubbles at home (the kids have to have them in the tub) for my bath
43. I do not need to go to the laundromat to wash clothes because I have my own
44. I know how to cook and can provide the kids with meals
45. I love to bake and the kids love to bake with me
46. I have tons of books to read
47. I get to read bedtime stories and hear all the great stories again (they LOVE Green Eggs and Ham)
48. I am stronger for what I have endured
49. I learn from my mistakes
50. I do not feel the need to jump into another relationship
51. I have made every one of the kids' birthday's special
52. I get to hear the word "Mommy"
53. I get to be part of my kids' lives every day
54. I get to hear all the funny and crazy things they say
55. They want me when they are sick or sad or need a hug
56. I am important (to different people in different ways)
57. I am kind and thoughtful
58. My kids are kind and thoughtful
59. The kids have manners and say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" without being prompted (most of the time) to do so
60. I have taught them about making good choices
61. I have never endured a serious loss of someone close to me (a parent or sibling)
62. I have the desire to learn and grow

I could probably go on and on. I have so much to be thankful for and that is my focus. I cannot continue down the same path that I have always walked on...and expect ANYTHING to be different.

I have always had a picture in my head of what my life is like and will be like. I imagine an Oz-like world and a yellow brick road. There is a straight perfect path that is going to lead me exactly where I want to be. I imagine that few people find the perfect path. Instead, I take the same path as Dorothy. I run into some troubles along the way but I do not give up. I change my course and search for that "right" path again. Some troubles (eck...flying monkeys and Wicked Witches) will be more difficult to overcome. Some will be easy (crazy apple trees that talk). Some parts of my path will be smooth sailing. Some parts of my path will be treacherous. The idea and vision that I have in my head is that I will never backtrack. I will never look back. I will never take a path knowing full well what the results will be. I am going to continue to follow my path, wherever it takes me. I will not cower and hide. I will be strong and brave. I will walk this path with an open mind and with love in my heart.

I will follow my Yellow Brick Road...