Where Did I Go?

It seems like forever since I blogged. I probably needed to but I have been so busy lately. I always hope that things will slow down when the weather cools, and normally it does, but I am thankful this year to stay busy.

I had court on October 29th. The GAL determined what the schedule would be. He will have one month (every week) supervised visitation at a child safety center. I did the intake on it today...two long hours. After the supervised, he will have one month of public visits. After the public visits, we will be back to the every other Sunday for the day. He cannot miss visits and he cannot get himself in anymore trouble (no evictions). I feel like I fought as hard as I could for the kids. I fought the GAL tooth and nail for everything. I feel like I (and the kids) was given the best possible outcome. He can stand up and be a good dad and get the visitation he so badly wants but they have given him enough rope to hang himself again. This is it...last chance to do right by his kids. 2 long years and we are still going at it.

I have been doing ok lately. Still good days and bad days. I have spent more at home with the kids. I have spent more time by myself. No phone calls, etc. I rarely talk to anyone unless they call. I feel better by myself, in my own world, without prying eyes and judgements.

I had my spa weekend last weekend. I don't know what else to say except it was awesome. I had such a great time. I am so thankful to my sister for providing me the opportunity to get away and try to collect myself. I got home late yesterday evening. Driving home was hard. Each mile was a mile closer to reality. Each mile signified the problems I still have not solved. I was hoping to be stronger when I came back. I think I bought myself some time and recharged the batteries a little, which is good enough for now.

As of December 1st, the kids will no longer be in daycare. It was such a hard decision to make. If it was just me, it would have been easy. But C needs so much more right now and I have the opportunity to give it to him. He is supposed to start kindergarten in the fall. Intellectually, he is ready. Socially and emotionally, he is not. Unless I do something now, he will not be ready in the fall. C has been doing better lately. He has indicated that he does not want to see his therapist every week anymore because he is "not angry anymore". We have switched to every other week appointments.

I am still very lonely. Even seeing people doesn't take away the loneliness. It is deep down. I lack the satisfaction that being in a relationship brings. But, I am smart enough to know that I have nothing to give anyone else right now. I am all tapped out and my heart is not ready to forgive past sins and heart breaks. I am so consumed by everything else right now. I do know that I cannot give up. Eventually, if all goes as planned, the kids will be gone every other weekend. I am sure I can find things to do but why not think about having someone to share that time with?

I found a lump in my neck this weekend. It is about the size of a grape and it is below my ear, kind of behind my jaw bone. It started with an earache. I thought maybe I was getting an ear infection. Then it started to hurt more, my ear was throbbing. I rubbed it a little and noticed the lump. Maybe it is all in my head but I just have not been feeling like myself lately. My eyes are insanely sore, like I can hardly keep them open. My throat is dry and sore. I have made a dr. appointment but cannot get in until Nov 25th. I am calling a different clinic tomorrow to see if I can find something sooner.

I also get to go back to the doctor because my birth control is no longer covered by my insurance. A fact that they did not bother to tell me until the day I needed it. I ended up paying for it out-of-pocket since I needed it and honestly, I learned my lesson regarding birth control. You never know what is going to happen but I will make sure there is birth control.

Other than that, I just feel blah. No better, no worse. Just trying to get through the days. Not much happiness or laughter but not as much crying and drama. I want to be happy again. Not just going through the motions. I want to wake up and look forward to the day ahead.