I would love to show you some pictures of Halloween...but I have none. Up until 10:00, when I finally left, it was busy, chaotic mess. I forgot my camera, no one had a camera. Oh well. It was fun. The kids had fun. They have been tired all weekend and they are sleeping already. Thank god for small miracles. I am exhausted too and I hate DST. It completely messes up my already messed up sleep cycle.
I went out on Halloween night. I bought a costume and went all out. I had fun. I danced and I talked and it was a fun night. I was almost sorry to see it end.
I live in a small town. It was no surprise to me that I ran into V that night. We chatted for a couple minutes and he said he had to go. I said "bye" and went on with my night. I did not feel sad or upset. I did not seek him or even pay attention to him. I was having "my" night and having fun.
But, the end of the night rolls around and I am sitting in a car on my way to V's house. My brain is screaming "dummy" but the prospect of ending a too long dry spell and some beer and shots dulled any reasoning (in my own defense, I did say no to him initially and told him that I thought it was a bad idea). We all know what happened from here. He did ask a lot of questions. None about the kids. He asked if I missed him, if I thought about him, he started calling me "baby" again.
I tell myself not to expect anything. And, deep down, I don't think that I do. I am just a little disappointed in myself. Not because of what I did, but why I did it. I want to believe it was just because it was an opportunity for sex and it was slightly less whorish to go home with V rather than some random guy in town. But what if I did it because I was hoping for something else? Did I think that if we had one last roll in the hay he would realize how much he was missing? Did I do it just so he would miss me again? Did I do it as another form a self-punishment?
I am really not getting all depressed about it. I am just worried that although I was fine yesterday and today, tomorrow may be another story. I am in a good place right now and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. I am hoping that I do not have these deep-down expectations and I am slowly setting myself up for disappointment.
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5 comments:
Such an honest post. Very bold. You are saying what many women are afraid to admit... We've all been there, believe me.
Don't go back for more where there is only less. You know that.
But most of all, forgive yourself. Please.
Agreed! Don't overanalyze it because you'll drive yourself nuts!! We all have weak moments... especially when alcohol's involved. Its ok. Look ahead now, not back.
I am far more concerned with the fact that you were drinking and driving than with whether or not you had sex with him. Sometimes sex is just sex, and better the devil you know than the devil you don't. This was a great, honest post, and I am just so thrilled to hear from you again and again. I think of you every day, and you sound so much better!
You're so going to be fine. There are bigger mistakes you could've made, definitely. (Speaking from experience here.) Keep concentrating on the now.
I've done it, I know so many people who have done it. Don't beat yourself up, that's for sure.
Don't ignore those feelings you're trying to work out though. Listen to them and work it out so next time it doesn't happen.
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