Again...

For any of you that spew the mantra "things cannot get worse" or "it has got to get better because it cannot get worse"...it can and it does.

First, here are the positives:
* I worked out last night
* I still have family/friends checking on me
* There are people in this world that love and care for me
* The kids had an overall good night last night
* I let them eat cheeseburgers in the bathtub

Now, the negatives:
* Both of the kiddos are still peeing and pooping in their pants
* C continues to pee in my bed...EVERY night
* Remember these cute little additions. They are dead. Mommy stopped feeding them. And since I am so busy avoiding going to my house, I had no idea...until last night. It was too late. So, when I get home tonight, I get to bury more kittens. And explain it to the kids again.
* I talked to the GAL this morning. She is unsure what is going to happen in court. She can make recommendations, but since Social Services has decided not to pursue the matter any further, the court may not look at her recommendations. If that is the case, the kids will be forced back into their visitation. And I will be forced to send them. I can try to get C's therapist to give her recommendation on what should happen. The GAL suggested that maybe the kids could see their dad in a therapeutic setting, such as C's therapist, but I said no. That is C's safe place right now and I do not want it tainted by the legal system. I am running out of options...very quickly. I was worried and scared that I was going to have to send the kids back there and it looks like a real possibility now.

I am so lost right now. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I don't want to fight for it anymore, I don't want to do any of it anymore. I cannot stop the kids' pain, I cannot make things ok, I cannot stop my pain. I cannot find a peace or a balance in my life. The prospect of each new day is grim. I have been trying really hard to keep my strength and my will to put one foot in front of the other. To keep moving and living and trying. I know my kids need me, I know there are other people that need me. Somewhere deep, deep inside of me, I know it. But I cannot see it right now. All I see is more and more things getting messed up every day. I wake up thinking that today will be better and it is never better.

I have spent years fighting a man that manipulates everything and anything he touches. I have always spent that time on the losing end. I have paid dearly for my relationship with him. I carry internal and external wounds that will never heal. And now my kids will carry those same wounds. Why fight anymore? I cannot win. He will continue to scar those kids for the rest of their life and for the rest of their life, I will watch their pain and suffering and know that I cannot do anything about it, that I cannot take it away and know that I should have seen it sooner.

I saw all the warning signs from the beginning. I knew what he would be like. And I suffered in silence for years. Too embarrassed and ashamed to admit what my life was really like. I created life with this man and in doing so, have sentenced my kids to his abuse. They will also suffer in silence because their voice will never be heard by the people that matter.

I can listen to their suffering for the next however-many years. But my validation is not what they need. They need the reassurance that he will not do it again. They need the reassurance that someone is listening to them. They will lose their faith in our system, just as I have. I will continue to explain the ways of the world and how bad guys go to jail and cops look out for the good people but our system will never back us up. I will continue to tell my kids that everything will be ok knowing damn well that I am lying to them.

I just can't do it anymore. I am not the right person for this. I am not good at this, I am not doing a good job and my kids are suffering far more than they should. The guilt is eating away at my insides. The pain is unbearable and a crushing weight that takes my breath away. There are no good days anymore. Just bad and worse....