A Letter...

I struggle every day to find some sort of peace with our situation. I want all this to just be over with. I want to heal and move on and have a normal life back again. But I cannot get there because I hold so much anger inside about you. Talking to you on a regular basis just makes it worse. I want to be done with you. I want to not talk to you or see you or care what is going on in your stupid life. But the kids need you. My son needs you. So I have talk to you. I have to bite my tongue and suck it up so I can do what is best for my son. And you are so dumb that you do not get it. You are so wrapped up in you that you fail to see what is going on with everyone else. Your blinders prevent you from seeing my son's pain. Your ignorance prevents you from realizing the damage you left in your wake. Your naivety prevents you from seeing the mess you caused. You live behind a brick wall. You want to live the rest of your life pretending that you did what was best for everyone. You want ease your guilt and justify your actions so you can shrug off any accountability. Your reasons and your actions are bullshit. Your reasons do not justify your actions. You still care for the kids but you rarely ever call them. They initiate phone calls. I initiate phone calls. I force this relationship down your throat. I force you to be accountable for what you did to us. I allow you to ease your guilt when it is not my job to let you live without guilt. I force my kids to continue to deal with a man that never truly loved them or wanted to be with them. I force myself to continue contact with a man that I knew was too immature and too selfish to appreciate the life that I created. To appreciate the 2 beautiful lives that loved him unconditionally and without boundaries. I gave more of myself to you than you could ever return. I shared 2 of the most special and private things I had...my kids.

You throw around words that you will never truly appreciate...love, friendship, caring. You DO NOT love us. You are using words that are beyond your comprehension so you can make sense in your mind for what you did. You are abusing words that you have no business using. You will never truly understand what any those words mean until you experience the loss of them. My motives are not always pure or unselfish. I am not always happy. I am not always sure what the answer is. But I do know that you are not my friend. And the fact that you use that word pisses me off. What right do you have to put that label on our relationship? Because it makes you look like a good guy? You do not get to use that word or call our current relationship anything close to friendship. You do not get to say you love my kids or care about any of us. I do not want your kind of caring, your kind of love or your kind of friendship for me or my kids. I do not want to surround any of us with phony people and fake words. Your own friends are the people that are helping me now. YOUR friends (who apparently hated me) offer their time and their efforts. Something that even you cannot give us. People that have zero emotional investment in our life want to help.

You are a disappointment. You are young and stupid and have no idea what responsibility and accountability mean. You are selfish and I cannot trust you. I cannot allow my kids to stay in contact with you. I cannot trust you to be careful with them or their feelings because you already failed. You made a decision that was best for YOU and passed it off as a decision for us. You never appreciated what the kids and I were willing to give you, you never showed your commitment to our household or to our life, you never showed any interest in their future or mine, you never wanted to be included, you never wanted to belong and you always had one foot out the door...ready to bolt at the first excuse you could justify. And the first excuse you came up with was that "this was best for everyone"? You cannot and will not appreciate me or the kids but then you feel you get to use us as an excuse? You think we get to be the reason for your justification? You think I should allow my kids to count on you when you failed them? You think you should have another chance, a chance that you gave up all on your own? I should allow my kids to continue to love you and miss you and wish for so many good things from you when I know you cannot do it and will not do it? I should continue to allow you to hear those 3 precious words from my kids (I love you) when you never appreciated it while it was so readily available? You do not deserve those words. You do not deserve to have them pass across my kids' lips.


You failed. No black and white. No justifications. No excuses. No reasons. You failed. Me, the kids, yourself. I will not live with it anymore. It is your burden to shoulder now. I will not help you find your peace. I will not ease your guilt.