I always have really high hopes for myself. I tell myself that I am going to be good and positive and blog about all the great things that are going on. I am going to blog about all the things that go through mind. The smart, philosophical things that matter. And then a complete and total blank.
I feel this sense of guilt that the people that read my blog are going through enough. Why am I making it worse with my depressing stories and ramblings? Hi idiot. Meet the girl who posted yesterday. Less than 24 hours ago, I posted how I am always doing for everyone else and want the same in return. Why would I worry about my blog being depressing. It is MY blog. I started it as therapy. I needed a way to get through my days. Why would I stop now?
I have no idea what I am going to blog about yet so I am offering no guarantees that it will be sunshine and flowers.
C jumped off the couch on Sunday night. Wise idea considering he is in a walking boot. Well, he is back in the walking boot full-time again. He hurt his ankle again and cannot walk again.
I got the kids in bed early last night. They are sleeping in my bed (don't ask) and we all snuggled and watched Mrs. Doubtfire. Everyone fell asleep (everyone meaning everyone but me) and I had high hopes. No such luck. C was up from 3:00-6:00 am because he was having nightmares. He also peed the bed (MY bed) twice. *sigh*
I feel lonely. I feel outside the rest of the world. I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare that never ends. I am anxious and tired and nauseous. I don't eat, I don't sleep. I am always sad and spend the majority of my time and energies each day trying to NOT cry. I fight tears with every sentence that leaves my mouth.
I am not just sad about one thing. Well, I probably am. At least that is what is weighing so heavily right now. But there is a combination of so much other stuff that I cannot pinpoint exactly what I can fix so I will feel better.
I know I forgot what it was like to have fun and be me. I forgot what it feels like to be loved and cared for. I forgot that warm feeling you get inside when someone does something just because. I forgot the days when none of this mattered. When I was happy with what I had and focused on that.
I went through a really rough time pre-kids. I went through a period much like this one. I felt lost and alone. I felt that anyone's help was just outside my reach. I spiraled down and down. Eventually, I came to rest at a place that I was so scared of. I looked at the past, the present and the future and I saw nothing that I wanted to be a part of. I made a decision that was SO tough at the time. I checked myself into the hospital. I shared a room with a crazy lady and all kinds of crazy people (like the lady that walked around with her head down mumbling "kill, kill" under her breath). I gave myself some breathing room. They wanted me to stay longer. I did not. I called my mom and she came and got me.
The ironic thing about that time is that I made dozens of phones calls that day. I wanted to reach out to someone, anyone and no one was there (disclaimer: E was there for me. She brought me to the hospital and stayed with me until I was settled and called to check on me). My boss asked me why I didn't come to me. My dad and stepmom did not know until I was out and all they told me was "that is not how we handle problems in this family". My sisters gave me a hard time. My friends gave me a hard time. Am I really that good at hiding how I feel? Can you really not tell?
I do not necessarily feel exactly the same way. I have my kids to look forward to. I try to remain positive that there is something better coming. I wake up in the morning and fight, just like I have been doing and just like I will continue to do. I just wish there was someone standing next to me, fighting with me.
I will send a message to any "in real life" people that read this. I am not asking for help. Sorry if that is unreasonable to you. Sorry if you think I am being dumb. Sorry if that makes things just a little more difficult for you. I have enough on my plate right now. I understand that you all have had some rough times and might still be going through some rough times. But, sorry, my time is worse. And regardless of how close you think your situation is to mine...it's not...at all. I do not have a boyfriend or a husband to hold my hand at night why I cry at the shit my kids have to go through. I do not have someone that will give me a hug because I am having a bad day. I cannot grab a beer or take a walk or even sit in the bathroom and cry because I have 2 little people that follow me everywhere. There is no downtime for me. There is no fun for me. There are no breaks.
And since I am on the subject...do you think if you never mention the dreaded word for kids' situation that it means it will go away? Guess what? It is not going to go away. Do you think you are helping any by pretending it doesn't exist? Do you think if you go on living your life pretending it didn't happen to someone you know that it will magically become true? Would your expectations be any different than mine? Would you like all the people you care about to avoid you like the plague? Take some freaking classes. Go online. I am sure you can find something to say. If you can learn how to make bombs in the Internet, I am sure it can tell you how to deal with this.
There are some days where I think it would be easier if I stayed at my house, shut off my phone and pretended I knew none of you. Why? Because that will restore your faith in "all things that are right". Do you have any idea what it is like to carry this with you everyday? The hurt? The shame? The embarrassment? The guilt? Do you have ANY idea how much those kids need to be surrounded by people that love and care for them? Do you have any idea how much those kids need fun? Can you imagine what they are going through?
Wow. This did not go where I thought it would. Oh well, MY blog, MY rules.
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6 comments:
Amne; your blog, your rules. And hwile I still think the only person you are hurting by NOT asking for help is yourself, I also think you need to choose some more supportive people to have around you; becuase clearly your family DOES do the head in the sand crap, and you don't need that. I am worried about you, because I have been there-have you been taking an anti-depressant? If notm maybe you should think about it again. And yes, I can in all honesty say that my life is similar to yours, or vice versa; and sometimes it just helps to know that someone GETS it. All of it, from the kids sleeping in your bed because you are just too tired to fight it, to the wet bed (and am I the only single mom who will admit to just putting a towel on the wet spots and going back to sleep?), to the things people say that seem like they are just rubbing their spouses/boyfriends in your face...so yeah, I get you. And that is really all I have to offer, just-hang in, get through today, breathe.
Thanks Kori-I am not sure I am to the point where I need to take antidepressants. I did take them before. I also took them after my second pregnancy due to postpartum depression. A few shots of tequila or something might help.
I am sure that not asking for help is not the right answer. But honestly, I just don't want to be disappointed anymore. And I do not want to hear the excuses (I am busy, I have a family). It all sounds the same to me...I can't or I won't. I am tired of people telling me I am being dumb or difficult.
It is just better this way. I would rather be home in my house than try to talk to people that get the glazed we-have-been-through-this-before look. If I had the answers, I would fix this. If I could find a better way to get through my days, I would.
I will not always be nice. I am moody and irritable and my patience is non-existent. One wrong look or one wrong word is enough to start the waterworks.
R -
Your blog, your rules, your place to vent, your outlet. Use it how you need.
I am honestly not quite sure how to respond to your two most recent posts...Since I am one of those "in real life" people, I have to assume that I must be part of the group that you feel is letting or has let you down. For that, I am sorry. It makes me sad that you feel I am not living up to my end of the friendship.
I won't go further into it here; we can talk about it on Sunday when L and I come over to hang out.
It breaks my heart to hear that you feel yourself moving toward the place you were in before C...That was a very hard thing to go through with someone I loved; I can't imagine being the person going through it.
I feel like whatever I may type here may sound like more of the empty words that you are crying out against, so I am going to just leave it at this. I will talk to you tomorrow. I hope you can get some sleep tonight.
E
I'm sorry that you're going through so much right now. I know that blogging can be great therapy (and never feel bad for venting on here, our situations may be a bit different but I think we all understand the need to vent), but have you thought about talking to a counselor or pastor or something? Not because you're "crazy", you sound perfectly sane to me, but because you'll have someone that will help you deal with your emotions and listen. I know they can be expensive, but I also know that there are nonprofit organizations too. Maybe it would help you feel as though someone is listening. I don't know... Not trying to sound like a know-it-all, because I don't. Just trying to help.
No, Kori, you're not the only one who has done the towel trick.
But back to the post: Your blog, your rules, your feelings, YOU. It's YOURS to do with what you want.
It has only been through blogging that I have found other people who get my life, who get the things I've gone through and who get me. Thank God for single parent blog love. (I would say single mom blog love but you know I love me some crazycomputerdad.)
Although we cannot be there to help clean up the pee, to babysit the kids for you so you can get 5 seconds alone...we are all out there for you.
Shoot me an email anytime you need to...erzsi1113@gmail.com
Since you closed comments on your other post, which is good, I am commenting here again. One thing that you said that really struck me is that you not taking care of yourself is harming the kids- and you are right. I really think you need to get on something, medicatation wise, and no, tequila isn't going to help-I hope that was a joke. Also, you can't expect anyone to take care of you-you can expect support, of course, but again, I think you are placing expectations on people who have clearly shown you that they can't give what you ask. So you are punishing yourself even more by isolating and doing this thing on your own. I know you-and no matter how much you shake your head and tell yourself "I am nothing like that bitch," yeah, you are. And pretty soon it is all going to come to a head and you are going to do something really, really sutpid. I don't know what it might be-for me, it was drinking myself into oblivion on a daily basis; it has taken me 8+years to dig myself out of the hole I was in. Sweetie, you need help; professional help. Join a support group, choose ONE person whom you can be honest with, do NOT isolate yourself anymore than you already are. If your kids truly are that important to you-and I think you are-then you need to take stock and reevaluate and take action where you can. Stop feeling guilty about the things your ex husband did-he is responsible, not you. Guilt over things which you have no control is counterproductive at best, harmful and debilitating at worst. And you have these people offering help-whether in real life or on the net-and support and caring, and you have it so set in your mind what they SHOULD be doing and aren't that you can't see what is there. Yes, it is going to be a long haul; yes, things will get worse before they get better. No, Social Services is not the best entity there is but hoeny, it's ll you have right now. Take what they can give you. Talk loudly and at great length to anyone who will listen, but make sure you use calmness and reason and try not to let your anger and bitterness bleed through to the powers that be. And get up every morning and do what is in front of you. I fully expect you to be angry and raging at me after you read this comment, and I want you to know that's okay; I know. Like I said, we could be the same person in different bodies. But maybe over time, you will find the healing for all of you that you need, maybe you will be able to accept my words here as not a critisicm but an act of love. I don't know you, but you are where I was, and I love you and support you. And am here for you.
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