Breaking my Own Rules

I am going to make this really clear for everyone. I am not answering my phone because I do not want to talk to you. I am not responding to emails because I do not want to talk to you. I am not blogging because I do not want to talk to you. I am not making plans with you because I do not want to talk to you. I am not accepting your invitation because I do not want to talk to you. I am not letting you take my kids because I do not want to talk to you.

I don't care if you are worried. I don't care if you suddenly want to help. I don't care if you are angry or sad or just done. I don't care. I don't care if you are never going to forgive me. I don't care if you think I am wrong.

I don't care if you were too blind and stupid to see my call for help. I don't care if you somehow justified your absence with "i thought you were doing ok". I don't care if you have a life or a family or school or work. I struggled EVERY DAY for a month. Why do you think I surrounded myself with people ALL.THE.TIME??? But I really appreciate your long-winded explanation of how much you really tried, how you have been there, how you have this and that, how much you sacrificed, how much your family sacrificed. I appreciate you making sure I knew what a "stupid ass" I was being, how selfish I am, how stupid I am and making it so damn apparent what a burden we are. I appreciate you telling me that you did the best you could. I appreciate that you are trying your hardest, that I am not smart and that none of this is ok.

None of you have any trouble picking up the phone when YOU need a favor. None of you have trouble picking up the phone when YOU need ME. But put the shoe on the other foot and the results are so different....

You want to take my kids?? You cannot handle them. You cannot handle your own life. What are you planning? To leave my kids at home while you continue on with your life? Bitch and complain about all the giant sacrifices you are making. Making sure I know EVERY DAY how much you are doing? No thanks! You all lectured me for weeks and weeks..."You just need to get over it" "Your kids need you" "Figure it out"

Well, guess what? I am figuring it out. ON MY OWN. We will make it through or we won't. But it is no longer your problem or your burden.

"We are here for you" "We want to help" "We want to get you through this"

Well thanks for the big effort. I will take it from here. I should have learned my lesson from last time...don't count on anyone. All it leads to is disappointment and feeling worse. Because the people that I am supposed to count on are so wrapped up in themselves that they cannot see the big picture. They cannot see beyond their world. They cannot help but keep the little list of the things they are doing, making their little checkmarks.

"Everyone needs a break. You should know that" Oh, I do know that. I know it better than any of you will ever know it. I have gone months without a night to myself. I have gone months without having one day to sleep in. If you are confused about my life...take a look at the post a couple down. That is my life. That is what I do.

"No one else knows you like I do. I have been there everyday" Refer to the above explanation where you made it so obvious what a burden I am. And add to it how you think you are such a better parent than me. Because I spend all my time at the bar? Because my house is not clean? Because my kids' clothes are not clean? Because they do not have food on the table? Why am I a bad parent? Oh, that's right. Because C gets away with everything and M gets treated like dirt. That's what you said right? Because C took the cheese off a fucking piece of pizza and then did not eat it? Because M did not give a shit either way? So I should have what? Spanked him? Sent him to a time out? What Supermom? Please tell me you would have done different.

He has behavioral issues. Would you like me to sign a release from his therapist so SHE can tell you it is normal? His father molested him. His father hit him. His father told him that he was no longer going to live with me. His father told him how awful I was. His father and his crazy ex wife spent an entire visit bashing me in front of those kids. His father hurt him physically and emotionally, his father disappointed him, his father is gone and C wants him to go to jail because of the bad stuff he did. How should he act? Why don't you give me your expert opinion since you are all so wise on abused kids? Why don't you give me your expert opinion so I can quit leaving my job one day a week to take my son to therapy? If I would have known that I had such experts so close to me I would not have even fucking bothered with bringing him to therapy!

My kids are treated the exact same way at home. Something that none of you would know or even see because you have not made any effort to come to my house.

What if I was dying from cancer? What if I couldn't take care of my kids? What if I couldn't take care of myself? Would you help then? Would I be a burden then? Would you try harder then? Or would I have a disease that you could legitimize in your minds so you could justify the interruption of your trips to the bar? Then you could legitimize all the sacrifices you and your families are making?

Walk a couple days in my shoes. Deal with what I deal with. Do what I do. Then you can have an opinion on what I should or should not be doing. I pray that none of you ever has to feel what I feel right now. But, some day, if you find yourself in my place; I hope you all have the courage to seek me out and tell me how wrong you were for what you did. How wrong you were for telling me how stupid and selfish I am being.