Help for friends/family

I am hoping to describe in better detail what my days are like and what I am feeling. I am hoping if I can offer some insight that everyone will grasp this a little better. In grasping it better, I am hoping for more support for me. And with more support for me, the kids will get more support. I am closing comments on this post because honestly it is going to be hard enough to do.

When C's therapist disclosed to me what was going on, that moment became forever etched in my mind and will change our lives forever. I heard the words she told me, I understood what she told me but my mind and my emotions could not handle the words I was hearing. This cannot be true, it has to be a mistake. I wanted to retreat behind my wall of denial. I was sent into a state of shock and confusion, not knowing where I could turn or who to go to in order to "fix" what had happened. I suffer from tremendous guilt and a loneliness that I have never before experienced. I feel rage, an unbelievable feeling of grief and anger that this happened to us. Gradually, these feelings are wearing off but they leave behind a pain so intense that I question my ability to survive on a daily basis. I feel that my closest friends and my family are becoming distant and unapproachable (if I don't know how to deal with this, how could they possibly know). I realize that I have periods of insanity. I cannot explain it to you. I have no idea why I am this way. I know that these feelings inside of me are eating away.

I am finding very quickly that social services is severely lacking and there seems to be no justice in our legal system, especially for my babies. It is going to get worse. This remainder of this experience will not be pleasant...for me, for the kids or for anyone around me.

I have been thrown into a nightmare, one I never imagined existed and one I do not know how to deal with.

I think about how hard this is for me. The feelings I have that I cannot describe. The waiting, the worrying, the feeling that eventually the system will fail us again. And then I look at my babies and imagine what this must be like for them. I can at least write and put them into words. They are trapped in their own prison. Unable to say the words that they need to say.

I am NOT the only one in crisis. My family is in crisis right now. My lack of eating and sleeping causes a darker mood than I have now. When my mood is dark, the kids are the recipients of the yelling. Do you know how detrimental that is to them right now. More than anything they need to be nurtured and reassured. How can I do that when I need the same thing?

I am surrounded by people and maybe and what if's and could be's but I feel isolated.

I bring C to therapy every week. I help him draw pictures and write letters so he can get his feelings out. And every new piece of information brings more grief and more anger. But I HAVE to do it. I have to support him. I just have to.

My mind becomes consumed with the details and what he had to endure. I cry my heart out whenever I can because I don't know how to keep moving on without getting some of it out. My mind is constantly moving, trying to "fix" this and solve this. My mind knows that there is a very good possibility that social services will do nothing and I will be forced to send my kids back there with him.

I know this is not easy for any of you either. The stereotypical reaction is shame and embarrassment. Don't talk about it. The big family secret. I am not doing that. I am not doing that to my son. He needs to know that he did the right thing. He needs to be reassured by the people that love him and care about it. They both need to know that they are the same. That no one thinks less of them because of this.

In re: to the comments yesterday:
E, I know you try hard. I know this is hard for you. I know it is hard for everyone. I want to appreciate everyone else's problems right now. I want to be supportive and I want to reassure everyone that they are doing a great job. But I can't. I don't know if it because all the rest of the feelings inside of me are skewing everything else or if I just really don't think enough is being done. I am not really thinking clearly right now.

Jenn, I do see a therapist. I see her the same time C sees his. I appreciate the time I have with her and I appreciate the outlet. But what I want and need is the support of the people the LOVE and CARE for me. Those are the people that matter. I want them standing up next to me and fighting for my kids. I do not see a therapist because I think I am crazy (although a little insane sometimes) but because I know I cannot get through this on my own.

It is times like this that you really miss a good hug and the warm feelings that come with it.

I am trying really hard to take it one day at a time...