Pain, Fear and Guilt

I really appreciate everyone's comments. Most of my posts these days are difficult to write. I am hoping that some day in the near future, I have some positive things to report.

Last night, we went to my nephew's football game. It was an exhibition game against the varsity football team. Very cute. There was a pizza party afterwards. C ate 4 pieces of pizza and M ate 3. You would think they never ate. After the game, we walked back to my sister's house.

Rewind a little bit. C had therapy earlier in the day. My mom was off work so she picked up both kids from daycare, picked me up from work, dropped me and C off at his therapy and then waited with M until we were done. I went back to work and the kids spent the afternoon with Grandma. While they were in the car, C told Grandma that he did not need to see his therapist anymore because he was not angry anymore. He said he just wanted the cops to go talk to daddy and S and make them go to jail.

So, after we got back to my sister's house, we just talked for a little bit. I was tired and I have a nasty cold so I wanted to get home. The kids were good on the way home. I got them in the house and got their jammies on. When I got them laid down I told C that I was very proud of him and asked him if he knew why. He said "because I am being so good". I told him that he was being very good and I was very proud of him for it but that I was proud of him for doing such a good talking about his feelings. He said that he was still angry though. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.

He said that he needed the cops to go talk to B and S because they are bad and they need to go to jail. I told him that I understood and that everyone was working real hard to fix everything and that it was not his fault and daddy is grown up and he knows what he did was bad. He started crying right away and said "but I just know it is my fault".

I talked to him for a few minutes about right and wrong and that grown ups are supposed to know the difference and that he was right to tell M and mommy about what happened.

He said, "I want daddy to go to jail and I do not want him to be my daddy anymore."

I did not really know what to say. I kind of knew where this conversation was headed but felt that it is not right to reassure C that his dad loves him and will always be his dad, with everything that is going on. Then came the dreaded part I knew was coming next...

"Who will be my daddy now?"

I tried explaining families to him (again) and the differences in families. He is going to spend some time with T (my BIL) tonight so I told him that when he spent time with T, it would be just like spending time with V. That started the waterworks again. "T cannot be my daddy. He is already a daddy. If he is my daddy, then who will (nieces/nephews) daddy be? They won't have a daddy, just like me."

Then he started to get really emotional:
"Why doesn't anyone want to be my dad?"
"Why doesn't V want to be my friend?"
"I thought V would be my daddy."
"Everything is my fault."
"I want to stay with you but daddy says he will not let me."
"I am going to the bridge." (Not sure what that is about and he would not tell me what he was going to once he got to the bridge)

So, I tried to calm him down. We talked about families again. He wanted to know who my daddy was. I told him that Grandpa K was my daddy. He asked me if I could Grandpa and see if Grandpa would maybe be his dad too. Then we could have the same dad. I told him that I would definitely call Grandpa for him.

I finally got him calm and I rubbed his arm and he feel asleep.

So fast forward to this morning. I get him up and dressed and out to the car so I can drop them off at daycare. All the way there he cried and screamed about having to go. He said he "wasn't going there with all the stupid kids that have daddies".

I feel defeated. It feels like walking on eggshells around him. I seem to never say the right things. I have no idea how to fix this for him and I have no idea how to reassure him that he has a daddy when his daddy did bad things to him. How do I let him know that not all dad's do that? How do I let him know that we cannot just pick up the phone book and pick a new one? I obviously have not explained the V thing very well to him.

He needs a male role model. He needs someone to bond with. He lost 2 very important males in his life these last few months and he is looking desperately for a replacement. My mom suggested maybe getting him a Big Brother. It is a valid idea but something I would want to run by his therapist. I am not sure how a strange male would settle with him right now.

It has been a bad day. I am sick, I am tired and I feel horribly guilty right now.