Since things have been so rough lately, I have spent a considerable amount of time looking at myself. I think the path to finding some peace for myself is figuring out the why of me. I do not know how much change can happen at this point in my life but maybe I can find some understanding.
The inspiration for this post came from T's post. It felt like I wrote that. When I feel low or down, I feel taken advantage of and neglected by the people that are supposed to be here for me. I feel like shouting at them "I am not as strong as you think I am. Stop telling me it will work out."
I have heard a lot of friends and/or family tell me the past couple weeks that I need to ask for help. It instantly makes me angry. Why do I have to ask? You cannot see that I am struggling? You cannot see that I do not smile? You cannot see that I am defeated? You cannot see the weight I am carrying on my shoulder?
Everyone knows what is going on. Why would you think I am doing ok? Because it is easier if I am? No one has to take time out from their life to be a shoulder or a support system? It is very easy to ask for a favor or ask me for help but it is too hard to offer help?
All these feelings brought me to the point where I am at now. It is just not in my nature to ask for help. I will take on all the problems that everyone else has. But when it comes to mine, I just cannot hack it. I can offer, I can give, I can stretch myself emotionally and financially thin for the sake of helping out someone else. But I cannot ask. I just cannot.
I want the people that love me and care about me to KNOW that things are hard. I want these people to make my life better, because that is what I do for them. I listen to their problems, I offer my advice, I take time away from my life and my family so I can offer it to you, I spend time and money I don't have just so I can take away one more worry from you. And do you now where that worry goes? Right on my back, piled on top of all the rest of the b.s.
Do anyone of you really understand what I am giving of myself? Do any of understand the pieces of myself that are gone because I chose you over myself?
I will readily admit that there will never be another person in this world that expects more from me than...me. I expect perfection from myself. I do not do well with any less. As a matter of fact, anything less is a failure. Another failure. Yes, I need to be there for everyone else. Yes, I need to be supermom. Yes, I need everything to go according to MY plan. Can you imagine how much these expectations weigh?
I think that with these expectations of myself, it causes me to put unreasonable expectations on those around me. If I can do it, why can't you?
So, do I make life easier for those around me by expecting less? Or do I make my life easier and keep expecting something better? Or do I find some safe place in the middle?
P.S. I have noticed more and more that I tend to ramble. Does that mean I am slowly losing my mind????
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6 comments:
I think one of the biggest problems with expecting people to do things or to SEE what you are going through is that they just can't. You are the only one walking in your shoes, and as long as you are projecting this facade of "everything is fine," the only person you are hurting is yourself. Been there, honestly, which is why I can say this so freely. I went through a period of time where I was angry with EVERYONE because they weren't doing what I thought they should be doing, were not helping me in the ways I thought they should, and also feeling like "Why can't they just do the things for me that I do for them?" It is so humbling to be ins a position to ask for help, and a really hard lesson to learn, but by refusing to ask, expecting people to KNOW, only hurts you in the long run. It is hard, I know, but it will help.
I know where you're coming from. I am the type that won't ever ask for help and I'll just keep going and going, just to prove I can. It's hard to understand that others can't, or won't, see that you need help without you saying so. I think it's a convenient way for others to stay away from messy situations. It's not fair and it's not right, but I feel like that is the case at times. I've been disappointed in several of my close friends over the last few years. They're still my friends, but I've lost some respect for them.
Thanks Kori and Jenn-I appreciate both insights.
I feel right now that it is an easy way to escape a messy situation. "I don't know what to say. I don't know how to help." It sounds like a cop out.
Just got your name for Southern Plate and was wondering if you would like to try Country Bobs and blog on it. If so please email me name and address to al@countrybobs.com Thanks so very much! Al Malekovic
Hey girl. I only just today realized that you had linked to my blog post. I will have to add you to my blog roll.
I have learned that I cannot expect, as Kori said, others to know what I am experiencing. To me, it is obvious and they divert their eyes to avoid my pain. I think they avoid my pain because it scares the crap out of them. They, then, have to look at their own pain!
We all want to validated and loved. That is what people like you and I offer our friends. We do wish for it in return. Can they see it? Then again, they have NO idea what we do. And we are strong, we hide behind that strength and we secretly cry ourselves to sleep.
We both have to learn that its ok to be weak. Its ok to need someone. Its ok to ask for help. Its ok to not be perfect. All that we can do is STRIVE for it. And then be gentle on ourselves when we are only as perfect as we can be in that moment.
We are constantly evolving and learning and growing. We are warriors in our own right and others think we are amazing. We need to show them our vulnerability too. Otherwise, their false perceptions of us hurts us in the end.
I hope that makes sense. It is still something I'm obviously working through too.
Hang in there and thanks for reading.
*hugs*
I do think you need to accept that you are not perfect, and embrace your imperfections.
Yesterday, I was feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. I went into RadDude's office, and just sat there. The most I said was, "I'm really tired of taking care of other people right now." He knew, without my saying, that I desperately wanted someone to take care of ME! I teared up. But his understanding that alone helped. Then he made me laugh and I could face the rest of the day again.
Sometimes, all it takes is someone understanding a little. But you have to open the door a crack before that can happen.
It seems all of us who read you do understand that.
And I also agree w/ Kori. As much as we would love people to just know, sometimes we do have to ask.
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