Another Weekend Gone...

I tried to keep the kids busy this weekend. We stayed home on Friday night. I was so exhausted from therapy and Social Services and court appearances. I was also running at full speed ahead all week, trying to keep me busy and the kids busy. I am trying to find all of us some connection to the outside world. I have been trying to formulate a plan.

On Saturday, we went to my parents' house. They had a bad storm that blew through 6 or 8 weeks ago. My dad wanted to cut down the trees that had fallen so we hauled stumps and branches and brush for hours.

My niece was kind enough to babysit on Saturday night so I was able to have a kid-free night. It was nice to get dressed, to actually put on nice clothes and make up and care what I looked like. I had a lot of fun. It was nice to be out. I still carried my wounds with me all night. They still were sore and raw. They were still there. I still wondered all night how I was going to fix this.

This morning, me and my sis, my BIL and all the kids went to breakfast. It was nice to be surrounded my family. It was nice that I did not have to spend my morning alone. I spent the majority of the day over there. I just did not want to be alone. I did not want to come back to this house and have it be just me again. To not have anything to distract me from everything that is going on.

I stayed for a respectable length of time then headed home. They have a life, a life that does not revolve around me, my kids and our current problems. There is homework to do and showers and laundry and getting ready to start a new week.

My whole drive home was filled with a sense of dread. I cannot be here. I can't. I do not know where to go or what to do but it is so isolated out here. It is just me and the kids and our problems. There are no friends or neighbors out here, there are no kids for them to play with. This dream that I wanted so badly for my kids is another nightmare. I have been considering a move again. Closer to other family members. A change a scenery for all of us. But at what cost? How detrimental would it be to pack up and move again, away from familiar people and places to another unfamiliar place. And will this new place be any better? Will it solve any of the problems I have now?

I 1000% support my kids right now. I want to be there for them and help them through this. At the same time, I hate my kids right now. I am not proud of it and feel horrible admitting it. As a parent, I have always feared the amount of love that I have for my kids. That kind of love is so intense, how could I ever move on if something happened to one of them? How could I ever continue to live knowing that a piece of myself was missing? When I pictured "something happening", I pictured something more morbid, like death. But this is it. This is my fear, my nightmare and it is here now.

I am scared of myself, of who I am and of what I have become. I am so numb that there is no guilt and anger at myself for the person I have become. I am scared of what I could do or would do. And it never crosses my mind that I couldn't do that to the kids because their lives would be so much worse. I am so numb to everything that it never crosses my mind. That is the mother I have become. That is the person I have become.

I cannot even control my own emotions right now. I have sat on the couch since getting home and I have cried. That's it. I didn't start the crying...Chase did. He cried, he was upset, he sat on my lap and we cried together. Maybe we cried about different things but I know we were both crying because we are strangers to our own lives. I cannot find my place in my own life. Chase does not know where his place is. He has lost a handful of very important people these last few months.

I feel uncomfortable in my life, in my home, in my own skin. I have no idea who or what I am anymore. All the things I thought I was, I don't feel any longer. I thought I was special, but I am not. I thought I was important, but I am not. I thought I had being a mom under control, but I have no idea anymore. I thought I had a co-parenting relationship that sufficed for now, but that is not true. I thought I was strong and could handle anything, I can't. I thought I was smart and wise, but I am not. I thought I knew who all these people were and never really had any idea. I thought I had my life under control and now it is completely out of control.

I have thought so many times to send my kids to my sister's house (she has offered to take them) but what kind of person does that make me? What kind of mom would I be? And what would I do? Sit at home railing against all the injustices we have had to endure? With no kids here and no one checking on me, what would stop me from doing what I have been fighting with for weeks against doing?

I have thought that maybe I should have a roommate. To have someone to talk to.

I have no idea what to anymore.